1-6-2004 That was a short Honeymoon

Who would Osama bin Laden rather have in the White House, George W. Bush or Howard Dean?--From yesterdays "Best of the Web"

Would it be legal to pass an ordinance banning idiocy? Whoopty-mucking-doo! The McKing is dead and the street sweepers have been released from their subterranean jail cells. Ding! Dong! The McKing is dead and the streets are being cleaned again. Bring Andy Taylor on down behind me boys with a pedestrian riff. Get it on. Bang a gong. Get it on!!! Roll up for the Magical Progress Tour. Roll up! Roll up for the Progress Tour! Tom Leighton's Progress Tour is hoping to take you away. Hoping to take you away. Clean streets today. It's called euphoria, baby. I'z jacked!

But, after crawling from my brand spanking new mattress this morning and peeking out the bay window, the enormity of Wilkes-Barre's plight smacked me right in the chops. We've simply got too many idiots living in this city. My neighbors placed their newspapers on the sidewalks for collection yesterday. They're still sitting there today. Wifey and I could care less about the recycling schedule, because we stopped recycling. Fill the blue bag. Put it on the curb and Voila! End of story. A dump truck rolled by this morning, my blue bags were deposited into it and away went my aluminum cans, plastic bottles and newspapers. Simplicity. I like simplicity.

Any-farging-way, there's a very persistent breeze today and as per usual, one of my neighbors, the usual suspect, placed their f**king newspapers on the curb without properly securing them. The result is we've got newspapers and paper grocery bags scattered from one end of the street to the other. Again. Take an average recycling program, add one idiot and you've got a much dirtier city. We're already swimming against the current in this city, but the last thing we need is lazy-asses cranking the flood gates open a tad more. Un-freakin-real. Maybe we should create a Recycling Enforcement Officer. Maybe I should just wait 'til after dark and "key" their damn car. Then again, I could utilize my Crossman 760. Nah. I might shoot my eye out.

What to do about it? I could confront them, but I'm 100% sure that will result in nothing but more hard feelings. I could call city hall and complain. I could call SAYSO and stab our new mayor in the back. Or...I can stumble on out there and chase down all of my wonderful neighbor's cellulose-based garbage. Progress: One step forward, and then three back flips. This'll work.

Add to this mix the fact that recycling rubs me raw in the first place. Whoopee! We're saving our planet. As if! We've got green cans, white cans, biodegradable bags, calenders, recycling trucks, road trips to Wanamie, employee overtime, daily newspaper ads and somehow...somehow recycling is saving the city money in landfill fees? Let's buy us a landfill and tell the feds, the U.N., and the rest of those limp-wristed socialists to ram it up their exit portals.

How about this? We force the 608,000 residents of Vermont to relocate and turn that tree farm posing as a state into our national landfill. Heyna? There's nothing there of note, excepting the maple syrup industry. And who could possibly argue against deleting the state that produced Howard Dean? He'd make a wonderful president. His stated platform is to do the exact opposite of anything that George Bush ever did provided the U.N. gives him permission first. Hell, maybe we should just nuke Vermont before anymore of this Mad Human disease spreads. We're talking 9,250 square miles here kiddies. That'll hold a helluva lotta soiled Pampers. Whatever. I don't think Tom Leighton will go for it. Our trucks are having trouble making it to Taylor as things currently stand.

So, anyway, my neighbor pisses me off.

Twist & Shout

BANG! The front page of today's Times Leader: Cops asked to share costs of health care. Here we go. The previous mayor destroyed our financial situation and left the U.S.S. Wilkes-Barre listing very badly and now the new mayor will probably end up being the bad guy for trying to make the necessary repairs and course corrections. This entire situation sucks big wangs. Leighton's not the bad guy in all of this. Our cops certainly aren't the bad guys. Yet, they could end up going toe-to-toe on this issue after reading the union's response to Leighton's cost-cutting scenarios.

"Our members aren't interested in any concessions at this time."

Yikes! I heard this mentioned a week ago, but I honestly thought that the copper dude that said it was goofing around. The numbers I heard were pay 30% of the health insurance premiums, or up to 24 officers could be facing layoffs. I'm not going to presume to tell anyone that they should vote to reduce their own incomes and then smile about it afterwards, but there's no way that we can afford to layoff any cops in this city at this time. We need more cops, not less. Something has got to give here. Layoffs are out of the question. I had better stop before I get ticketed for jaywalking.

What did McTommy yammer on and on about for years? We needed to address the high cost of health care benefits for city employees? Did he address it when he was handing out a new police contract on the eve of the May primary? Nope. For him, currying favor at election time was much more important than fiscal integrity. And where did it get him? Nowhere. And where did his tomfoolery get us? Broke. It's a shame that things ever got to this point in the first place. No matter where all of this possible cost-cutting leads us, remember who it was that led us to this shameful point. This bites.

Mayor Tom & Kasia

You still got a shot at her boys. How many pounds of pressure do you suppose it takes to inflate her boobies?

It just gets weirder and weirder all the time folks. And God said unto his children, blessed are they with the highest score. For your sins, you must recite three Hail Marys, four Our Fathers and hand over your memory card.

Who wants to lick Bush in '04? Click on the "99 Reasons why Bush Sucks" link. This person had better avoid trying to debate the merits of that list.

Just about anything passes as art these days. If I took a road-killed cat, shaved it's head and then spray painted it neon pink-I'd probably end up being rich and famous. That'd be cool. If I was rich and famous then I could pass myself off as a foreign policy expert just like the rest of those cocaine snorting, wife swapping, America bashing B movie actors. Neat.

Arghhhhh!!!! We can do this. Open mouth. Insert gun. Pull the trigger. BANG!

Who killed JFK? Who cares? The more important question is who killed Lady Di? I think it was Jack Ruby. Or, possibly Barry Bostwick. I know! Blame George Bush. That'll work.

I love it. Paul Kanjorski is towing the party line during a presidential election year. He now regrets voting for the use of force in Iraq, because he was led to believe that WMDs would be found and so far, none have turned up. He's also calling for an "investigation into the apparent intelligence breakdown." That'll help tear down the presidents's approval ratings, right Uncle Paul? Give 'em enough rope, GW, and they will eventually hang themselves. Watch that rope Uncle Paul. It's getting longer.

Hey, there is suddenly hope again in Jints-land. Tom Coughlin

Back to hell with Philthydumpia, it's over-achieving team, it's stupid looking helmets, and it's obnoxious fans who get beaten every time they mouth off within close proximity to my brother. That's not an exageration. This is the guy that started chanting "Rocker was right!" at Madison Square Garden after Spike Lee started jawing at Reggie Miller one too many times. And by the way, anyone who is foolish enough to touch me with any mean intent while wearing any Eagles logos always gets paid a visit by my hunter/killer of a brother.

If I want someone brutalized, I simply identify them as an Eagles fan and tell my brother they punched me recently. He even hates my neighbor, who's a really nice guy, only because he roots for those flying weasels wearing green. His favorite thing to do is to enter Eagles chat rooms and start cyber brawls. He has a T-shirt that reads, "The Eagles Suck D**k." My loyal Giants-only bodyguard.

Is he a bit overzealous? Is he off his rocker? No way, man. The Eagles suck and they always will suck. They're the Eagles.

Since you guys are in the playoffs again this year and hoping against hope to get to the big dance, I promise not to sic Ray on ya'. I've got something scarier. Ready? How about Brett Favre on a big roll?

Bummer non-dudes.

Go Big Blue!

Last night, as I found myself surrounded by folks slapping each other on the backs and shaking hands, somebody gave me that usual bit about not looking old enough to have grandchildren and whatnot. Then, she was surprised to learn that I've also been married for twenty-four years. She asked me how I managed to make a marriage last that long and seem so at ease with it. "It was simple," I told her. I have always managed to own the best goll-derned headphones that money could buy.