1-8-2004 Penile update

Excellence is our standard and we're gonna live up to it.--Fire Chief, Jake Lisman, on WBRE tonight

We're going to attack the problem a little differently than we did in the past.--Police Chief, Gerald Dessoye, also from WBRE

That's an interesting approach. He wants to make things uncomfortable for the buyers of drugs in this city. Reduce the demand and the supply dries up. Hmmm. Make it so, #1. Unless some pissed-off former politician plants something illegal on my person, I've got nothing to worry about. Bust 'em all. They all contribute to the societal scourge that drugs create. Grab 'em, throw 'em in cell, and play John Denver tunes unmercifully loud continuously until they finally see the error of their ways and beg to join the Peace Corps rather than endure any more painful Rocky Mountain High. How's that for an innovative rehabilitation technique?

It is completely mind boggling how many SPAM dip-sh*ts send me Viagra ads. The e-mail inbox used to be filled with penis extension nonsense for a spell, but it seems that Viagra is the new rage amongst the asshole SPAMMERS. They should make up their f**king minds already. Which is it? Is it way too small, or it doesn't work at all? I do not believe that very many men suffer with a fun unit that is both undersized and prone to frequent work stoppages when needed the most. If that were the case, we've have tons more jumpers in the middle of our bridges begging not to be saved. If they knew anything about our hovercraft, the begging would stop, because our hover toy isn't big enough to transport even a grossly undersized, unusable penis. In my case, an extension is out of the question and my using Viagra would be akin to giving a speed freak intravenous injections of scientifically mutated caffeine. Okay then. That's enough penis talk for one day.

From that very same e-mail inbox:


How have you been? I was in W-B briefly Sunday night, Monday, and part of Tuesday. My apologies for not contacting you about the mugs, but I did not have much free time as I was finally visiting my family for Christmas. My work schedule is that bad! If I told you what I had to do just to get that little time off....

I got up to see the Arena area and where they are building the Super Sprawlmart. What other stores are going in there? I'm not sure if it is me, but it seems the Valley is quickly turning more towards working in the service industry rather than the manufacturing industry. I don't think that is a very good thing. Most service jobs pay much lower wages.

I did get to see how dirty the streets are and how unsightly all of the recyclebles(sp?) looked in a good portion of the city. I guess McCheese decided to park his Tonka Trucks for the last week of his reign of horror.

Glad to see Leighton has already brought out the street sweepers, though he was being sworn in during my brief stint in the city. Already the man has things going in the right direction and has shown that he cares.

Anyway, next time I get the chance to visit, I'll email you so that we can get together on the mugs.

Have a safe and Happy New Year!


Dude, the mugs are still sitting here. No hurry. It's good hearing from you, but it's interesting that you mentioned our booming Sprawl-Mart Township. I've had many conversations with locals about that windy plateau and most see it as the best thing since sliced monkey brains. I, on the other hand, do not. No, I'm not anti-Arena as some have accused me of being, I've simply been there, done that to death in a seemingly previous life far, far away from here where we had many glitzy arenas to choose from over thirty years ago. If that building went up twenty years ago, I would have freaked out. But being that the music industry can't seem to produce a decent artist to save it's own sagging fortunes, there is nothing to draw me to that building. Hockey is an amazingly fast game, but I'm not interested in AHL hockey all that much. If I'm expected to slap down $5 bucks for a beer, I wanna see the big boys banging away.

I know the arena has been a big boon for the local hospitality industry. The restaurants are sprouting up around that building at a dizzying pace, and local hotel rooms are hard to come by quite often. Many point to that hill and marvel at all of the "development" going on up there, but Sprawl-Mart, Target, and whatever other discount free-for-all that appears will never be seen as "development" in my less than exercised mind. There's no shortage of cheap merchandise up there, but other than the availability of throw-away products in a throw-away society-what the hell has been developed? If expensive burger joints and predatory retailers pass as some sort of exciting development, then I'm missing the bigger picture here. After the arena, all I see is a collection of "loss-leader" imports that won't last and the need for a helluva lot more bus boys and cooks.

I was recently told that if these very same businesses had chosen to locate in Wilkes-Barre, I'd be singing a very different tune. I'm sure I would. I'd be thrilled to see some mercantile taxes being generated and I would be estatic that Wilkes-Barre no longer seemed to be a retail kiss of death. But...you'd never hear me professing that the appearance of a few "big boxes" had somehow brought this area up to speed. The younger folks among us are not going to hesitate to relocate in search of well-paying jobs now that we've got a Sprawl-Mart. And they couldn't afford a nightly dose of the arena if they chose to live here and flip gourmet burgers. When businesses start appearing that pay livable wages and the exodus of our kids ends, then talk to me about development. Until that much discussed and elusive day arrives, our area will continue to be one comprised mostly of seniors that can barely afford their homesteads with the stifling taxation that accompanies living here.

The arena is cool. The new exit off of 81 is really cool. The rest? I could care less. Am I being negative?

Another penis free e-mail:

*******Hi Mark,

The Council says that if the FD and PD take the healthcare co-pays MAYBE the higher ups will also!!!!????

However, she acknowledged if unionized city employees would be asked to pay for health care, the city's department heads and elected officials might have to follow suit.

"My belief is, if it goes to the unions, it goes to the top," Kane said. "You can't ask everyone else to do it and not you.

Hey maybe if the council members who already have healthcare benefits (through husbands, wives, or other jobs) didn't get a healthcare buy-back of SEVERAL THOUSAND dollars people might take that seriously.

Hope you're enjoying the New Year,


Damn! Zinger! You're putting me in a tough spot here. Now that the new team is in charge, I've been told by quite a few residents that we need to remain on point now. Positive all the time. Kathy Kane said, "You can't ask everyone else to do it and not you." We shall see. I'm hoping that our elected city officials are smarter than to exclude themselves from the austerity moves they may need to impose upon others. During my private sector periods of austerity, "no raises" meant every-freaking-body, from the dishwashers to the general managers. To do otherwise, would be to invite lower morale from the folks doing the great majority of the work. All that you uniformed folks can do is wait and see what exactly they have in mind.

I hope they do the right thing and not follow the lead of our state legislators who accepted their recent raises and then raised every tax they possibly could without alienating all of their core voters.

Here we go. No kidding around, we should get us one of these puppies. Even the City of Wilkes-Barre can afford one.

Hey, SNAKE. This one's for you. Use the arrow keys and knock yourself out. Ssssss

Most kids these days would rather be made into monkey meat rather than pick up a book and read it. Why not make it easier for them? The Bible in 50 words

Here I was busting on Mexican food yesterday only to come across this site today. Unreal. Soylent Brown anyone?

Public broadcasting ? Does anyone even pay attention to that anymore? I can't remember learning anything from public television except that Sara Brightman is a bodacious babe.

He'll huff. And he'll puff. And he'll blow away like the big blowhard that he is when the Special Forces arrive.

This is wild. I snatched this from Townhall. It sounds eerily similar to what's being said about our efforts in Iraq and Afghanistan. It also exposes the fact that the Euro-weasels have been weasels for at least 50 years now.

At hand is a 1946 Life magazine article by novelist John Dos Passos, written aboard a Navy ship returning from Europe. As you read the following, keep in mind what Germany and France soon became - and what the naysayers are saying now notably about American efforts in Afghanistan and Iraq...

A tour of the beaten-up cities of Europe six months after victory is a mighty sobering experience for anyone. Europeans, friend and foe alike, look you accusingly in the face and tell you how bitterly they are disappointed in you as an American. They cite the evolution of the word "liberation." Before the Normandy landings it meant to be freed from the tyranny of the Nazis. Now it stands in the minds of the civilians for (despicable things).

You try to explain to these Europeans that they expected too much. They answer that they had a right to, that after the last war America was the hope of the world. ... But they blame us now.

Never has American prestige in Europe been lower. ... They blame us for the corruption and disorganization of the (United Nations relief agencies). They blame us for the fumbling timidity of our negotiations with the Soviet Union. They tell us that our mechanical de-nazification policy in Germany is producing results opposite to those we planned. "Have you no statesmen in America?" they ask.


Try this. Talk about heavy duty. I was asked a question today that had me reminiscing more than I can ever remember doing. Excluding your family and related marriages, births, deaths and whatever else anyone in your family may have done, what were the single happiest and saddest days of your life? Jesus!!! I was in work related meetings most of the day today, so rather than doze off, I thought about that one quite a bit. And I'm still not sure. If I can actually determine which two days those might have been, I'll be sure to share them with you. Chew on that one a while, why dontcha?

I'm beat. Work me like a dog all day, punch me, kick me and have at my sister, but please...no freaking long meetings. Talk about draining.


Don't allow the size of your member to cause unconscious tension.--Francis Vincent Zappa