2-10-2004 If you're calling from El Salvador and using a touch-tone phone, press one now

Don't divide America over who served and how.--John Kerry, 1992, while defending Bill Clinton's draft-dodging

Can I manage Dubya's campaign after the dems finally nominate Kerry? Nintendo's "Duck Hunt" comes to mind. Can I? Can I? Please.

Sign Dude dropped by this morning to assess the dangers our 60,000 pound killer icicle may pose to the structure, cars parked within earshot, or anyone who might be waddling by if the darn thing comes crashing to the tarmac. I of course, in the latter stages of my layoff and bored out of my freaking mind, stayed up way too late watching 'Movies for Guys who like Movies,' slept way too late, and missed him altogether.

The killer icicle, if and when it decided to drop, could skull someone into the next dimension, damage untold number of vehicles, or start a structure fire. I was advised to call the good folks at PP&L and make them aware of the situation. Much to my surprise, the folks at PP&L offered to cut-off our electricity. That was the extent of available services from them. They'll darken that tiny light on my stereo, and then we can call a contractor to address the situation. In other words: Piss off, champ.

Once again, another company that spends millions of dollars in an attempt to convince us that their service is superior, doesn't really want to hear from their customers when there is a problem. I have to admit to feeling somewhat stupid by being surprised by this. Okay. In all liklihood, nothing bad will come of this situation. Then again, a member of the Wilkes-Barre Fire Department does not like the looks of the mini-glacier hanging by a thread and thinks we need to act. I tend to over-simplify most problems, so why stop now? I snatched this from the PP&L web site:

Our Story

For more than 80 years, PPL has been working to improve its communities in ways big and small.

In Pennsylvania, we operate five environmental preserves near our power plants, providing education programs and recreational opportunities for thousands of visitors every year.

In Maine, we donated $50,000 to the Maine Discovery Museum, helping create an interactive display that teaches children about hydroelectric power.

In Connecticut, we built our new plant in Wallingford with a state-of-the art sound wall. And by the way, the plant is fueled by clean-burning natural gas.

In El Salvador, when a series of earthquakes devastated whole communities, our employees provided emergency lighting and helped their friends and neighbors dig families out of the rubble. We shipped medicine to care for the sick and donated more than $100,000 to the relief effort.

Our employee-driven Community of Volunteers mobilizes more than 1,600 energetic people who slosh through creek beds to pick up garbage, raise money for local charities and spend countless hours reading books to underprivileged children.

Well, isn't all of that just special. They'll respond to El Salvador lickety-split, but the folks in Wilkes-Barre have to call a contractor when they have a real problem. I don't want to make a mountain out of a culm hill, but that kinda twerks me off. You pay your electric bill for a thousand years, and when you have a problem for the very first time, as it turns out, it's your problem and not PP&L's. Wonderful. So we should have our power cut-off and then call a contractor. Wonderful. We'll have Spagettios for supper, heated by candlelight, and then we'll figure out how much this will cost to rectify the problem.

In other words, what this amounts to is but another vision statement that looks nifty hanging on a wall somewhere in a corporate headquarters, but in effect, means nothing at all to anyone involved. Your electrical lines are about to come crashing down across the street? F**k-off! Power your television by battery and fix it yourself. But when the thing crashes down and a structure fire ensues, PP&L will rush to the scene. You tell me, man. I'm but a sped hopelessly adrift in a sea of geniuses.

What could possibly be better than hours upon hours of depraved sex? That's easy. A no-brainer. This would be and trust me, I feel fine.

I hope that Mark Chapman one day meets the front of a bus very, very violently. Tell me the much awaited reunion wouldn't have eventually come about if this nutball was never even thought of.

And I thought entering burning structures was nuts. Click on the link and enlarge the picture. It's an amazing pic. Any of you hose dude types want any of this?

Bill Clinton won a Grammy for some children's audiobook project. Enough said. Screw that! Let's go there.

Hi boys and girls. It's yer old buddy Billy. Now that I'm no longer spewing into young girls mouths, I wanna tell ya' a story about how Nilly the tri-sexual Newt saved the planet from evil Republicans a long, long time ago.

Boy, celebrities sure love their commies. What exactly was it that Joseph McCarthy supposedly got wrong? And why is it we should give a flying f**k about the Grammy awards?

The 25 toughest guys in America? Wow! The fact that my name was ommitted from this list suggests that the entire undertaking is flawed, but just for the fun of it, check out #25. The 25th toughest guy in America

John Kerry and "Hanoi Jane" on the same wavelength. I hope he doesn't honestly believe that just because he suffered a few sutures while serving in Vietnam that he somehow has the Vietnam Vet's votes sown up.

Jane Fonda was clueless then and she has done nothing since then to convince us she's no longer clueless. And John Kerry wore some of the very same Soviet-inspired flowers and beads that she did.

Ah, what the hey! Let's explore this further with some very timely opining from one Frank Zappa:

Set to the melody of Jimi Hendrix' "Hey Joe" with a major octane boost and more than a hint of surf music.

Hey punk, where you goiní with that Flower in your hand?
Hey punk, where you goiní with that Flower in your hand?

Well, Iím goiní up to frisco to join a Psychedelic band.
Iím goiní up to frisco to join a Psychedelic band.

Hey punk, where you goiní with that Button on your shirt?
Hey punk, where you goiní with that Button on your shirt?

Iím goiní to the love-in to sit & play My bongos in the dirt.
Yes, Iím goiní to the love-in to sit & play My bongos in the dirt.

Hey punk, where you goiní with that Hair on your head?
Hey punk, where you goiní with that Hair on your head?

Iím goiní to the dance to get some action, Then Iím goiní home to bed.
Iím goiní to the dance to get some action, Then Iím goiní home to bed.

Hey punk, where you goiní with those Beads around your neck?
Hey punk, where you goiní with those Beads around your neck?

Iím goiní to the shrink so he can help me Be a nervous wreck...

(just at this moment, the 2700 Microgram dose of stp ingested by Flower punk shortly before the Song began takes effect: before Your very ears his head blows up... Leaving a bizarre audial residue all over Your teen-age record player!) Hey punk! hey punk! hey punk! Punky! punk! hey punk! punky! Come and go...come and go... Polly, do I ever have a lot of soul? I think I love you! Questi dominga? Have you seen that nose eating? I wanna know for sure! Leave my nose alone please! What íre you trying to do? Listen! ...

This is one of the most Exciting things thatís ever Happened to me You know, every time I think About how lucky I am to be in The rock & roll industry Itís so exciting You know, when I first got into The rock & roll business I could barely even play the Changes to this song on my, on My guitar But now Iím very professional I can play the guitar I can strum it rhythmically I can sing along with my guitar As I strum

I can strum, sing, dance, I can make merry fun all over The stage And you know, itís so wonderful To... Itís wonderful to feel that iím Doing something for the kids Because I know that the kids And their music are where itís At

The youth of america today is So wonderful And Iím proud to be a part of This gigantic mass deception

I hope she sees me thrilling, Yes... I hope she sees me dancing and Thrilling

I will say: "hello dolly!"

Is the song over? Boy, this is really exciting, Making a rock & roll record I canít even wait until our Record comes out and teen-agers Start to buy it

Weíll all be rich and famous!

And when my royalty check comes I think Iím going to buy a Mustang No, I think iíll...i think iíll Get a corvette No, I think Iíll get a harley Davidson No, I donít think Iíll buy any Of those cars I think what I will do is i Will buy both No, I donít do that either I think, ah, Iíll go into real Estate I think Iíd like to... I think Iíd like to buy a house In ... boulevard No, that wouldnít do any good Gee, I wonder if they can see Me up here, twirling that Tambourine and dancing...

Maybe after the show One of the girls who sees me up Here, singing and thrilling my Tambourine and dancing, will Like me And she will come over to me And I will walk I will walk up to her and i Will smile at her And I will impress her and i Will say: "hello, baby, Whatís a girl like you doing in A place like this? Iím from a rock & roll band, I think we should..." Is the song over?

Screw it, kiddies. Let's "Freak Out!"

Now believe me when I tell you that my song is really true
I want everyone to listen and believe
Itís about some little people from a long time ago
And all the things the neighbors didnít know
early in the morning daddy dinky went to work
Selling lamps & chairs to san berídino squares
And I still remember mama with her apron & her pad
Feeding all the boys at edís cafe!

Whizzing & pasting & pooting through the day
(ronnie helping kenny helping burn his poots away!)
And all the while on a shelf in the shed:
Kennyís little creatures on display!

Ronnie saves his numies on a window in his room
(a marvel to be seen: dysentery green)
While kenny & his buddies had a game out in the back:
Letís make the water turn black

We see them after school in a world of their own
(to some it might seem creepy what they do...)
The neighbors on the right sat & watched them every night
(I bet youíd do the same if they was you)

Whizzing & pasting & pooting through the day
(ronnie helping kenny helping burn his poots away!)
And all the while on a shelf in the shed:
Kennyís little creatures on display!

Ronnieís in the army now & kennyís taking pills
Oh! how they yearn to see a bomber burn!
Color flashing, thunder crashing, dynamite machine!
(wait till the fire turns green...
Wait till the fire turns green)
Wait till the fire turns green

Yeah. I want a thrice-sutured Vietnam Vet turned opportunistic pro-commie hippie leader as my next president.

Let's do an e-mail:

*******Mark, if you like I'd gladly send you a spiffy Forty Fort Borough recycling calendar. Of course it is not as nice as Tommy Boy's past efforts but it will do in a pinch. LOL

Let me know. 34 Thompson, right?

Forty Fort Dude*******

Whoa! Whoa! No, no-it's 23! 34 Thompson is the joint where the ex-con beats up his woman every ten days or so. I think the cops are on a first name basis with those lunatics. Although, Gage likes having the lights and sirens coming to our street for a change.

At this point, beggars can't be choosers, so the Forty Fort Borough recycling calendar will do nicely.

If the talent-starved skateboard slackers that are ruining what's left of the benches on the Square had any balls, they'd buy a Segway and step up to the next level.

Face painting is getting a bit old. I could be wrong, but I think painting other parts of the body would greatly enhance the Fine Arts Fiesta. Bras off, girls.

Forget theaters, remodeled riverfronts, and deflatable dams. What downtown Wilkes-Barre needs is a museum.

Here ya' go motorheads. Click on 'em and weep. This just ain't right.

Every time I point out to anyone that our downtown is about to be reborn, I get that "Boscov's is leaving" rumor thrown back in my face. Today, one of my minions did a property search at the county courthouse, and as of today, Wal-Mart has not sold their soon to be empty property on Route 309. Stay tuned.

Talk about wording it exactly right. "R&B singers quiver rather than sing."