3-12-2004 One pill makes you smaller...

Use wisely your power of choice.--Og Mandino

I think that guy ripped-off Devo. "Use your freedom of choice. Your freedom of choice!" Maybe not.

The Wal-mart 500. Not too shabby, dude. Maybe you could do something along the lines of the Survivor series from the cramped confines of a Sprawl-Mart. And how about having Donald Trump serve as the Grand Poobah, or Grand Wazoo, or whatever they call the grand ones these days. I'm not sure what would be harder on the ole eyeballs. Staring at Trump's embarrassing attempt at a comb-over, or watching him prance around in a loin cloth next to a naked and porky Richard for hours on end. Then again, at least he could be confident that Richard wouldn't stab him in the back. At least not when he's standing upright.

I was not mucking about when I said you have to submit an application to be considered for official "dude" status. Our standards are fairly tough. Private Sector Dude was nice enough to send one along. I stupidly used my last one on some spud from Willow Street who was summarily rejected out of hand.

Application for Dudeship:

Name: ______________ (This is what your parents called you when they were not mad at you)
Age: _______ (Use a calculator if necessary)
Sex: _______ (Male, Female, Other, Some, Often, Never-poor bastard)
Race: ________ (Daytona, Pocono, Darlington, Atlanta, we are an EOE)

Please answer the following to the best of your ability:

1. Kurt from Scranton
b. smokes too little pot.
c. wears a pot.

2. Kevin Lynn

a. only says he is a Republican so people will listen to him.
b. is the man that stands for nothing, but falls for anything.
c. uses Budweiser as show prep.
d. all of the above.

3. Heyna or no

a. means “your goat ate the top off my convertible” in Latin.
b. means “the really horny girls live in Noxen” in Polish.
c. means heyna or no.

4. VLP stands for

a. very likable person.
b. Veronica loves Paul.
c. vindictive little prick.

5. Mott the Hoople

a. is a fruit juice.
b. is a child’s toy.
c. is a fabulous band - on a good night the best in the world.

6. Sue Henry

a. is a Red Sox groupie.
b. is a really cool Conservative woman.
c. is as cute as a button.
d. should not sing on air.
e. all of the above.

7. Alec Baldwin

a. is a weenie.
b. should leave the US since Bush became President.
c. is a weenie.
d. all of the above.

8. You would be willing to pay for Alec Baldwin to leave the US.

a. True.
b. True.

9. Kathy Bozinski

a. is hot.

10. Wilkes-Barre

a. is a great place to raise a family.
b. is filled with people with hearts of gold.
c. will come roaring back.
d. all of the above.

Send your answers and a stamped, self-addressed e-mail to Aging & Angry White Hate-Filled Republicans@aol.com. Democrats need not apply. You're all too hung up on the negative and whining most of the time. To be a "Dude," you need to be able to see the glass as being half full once in a while if you can take time out from saving a world that doesn't want to be saved. There's always going to be poor chucks, dumb f**ks, and criminal mucks no matter what the f**k you do, or how many wallets you manage to dip into.

The stock market is down, you say? Somebody from Iowa that you've never met had his job out-sourced? Should I repeat vile things about our president that I heard Ted Kennedy spit on a microphone? Hell no! Whatever, man. Stocks go back up and the strangers in Iowa will figure something out. Bush prays and objects to anal sex marriages? Whatever happened to, "To each their own?" Chill out you well-meaning, but duped and overly high-strung ex-hippies. It seems that every time a conservative expresses an opinion, it is very quickly labeled as a phobia of some type. Unless you're advocating the outlawing of dissenting opinions, take a freakin' pill. Whatever. The abject hate that bristles just under your skin is getting scary at this point. Revert to your former selves and smoke a banana.

Ah, the baby-boomers are getting pretty long in the tooth to date. Fairly soon, they'll be removed from the equation by nature and then we can restore this country to it's former glory. As it turned out, the folks that wore flowers in their hair, smoked and ingested nearly eveything, sucked or f**ked nearly everything, protested instead of serving, and fell hook, line, and sinker for the teachings of the manifesto just can't admit that they can't stomach their own country. They've been busy saving the world for 35 years and the world is more screwed-up than before they dropped out of college and rolled around stoned in the cow dung in Bethel, New York. This is the generation that produced men that would wear pretty pink panties while trying to avoid a war. Now they have a copy of "The Greatest Generation" lying on their coffee table to prove how well-read they are.

Now they're all grown up and sip cocktails instead of pumping LSD into themselves, but they still yearn for social justice, equality, and making sure my paycheck goes a long way in helping the miscreants of the world. In other words, they're still suffering the effects of their socialist indoctrination. They're still clueless. You folks need to chill out, do a quick review, and admit that the Bolsheviks of America had their chance and didn't save the world from anything. All I hear from them is how much more money we need to spend to fix everything that has gotten goofed-up beyond all belief since they themselves started working to save the world. Face it boomers, you had yourselves a good run, but you sucked. The AARP awaits you with open arms.

This year you're brimming with hate for Bush, while your latest reincarnation of Karl Marx tells us how he's going to fix all of the same ills that the Marx impersonators before him claimed they were going to fix. And you believe him as you believed those that came before him. Is Bush the answer? Maybe. Maybe not. Is Kerry the answer. I don't think so. But just because someone has a different ideology doesn't make them hateful, a (pick one)aphobe, or whatever other mean-spirited tag you attach to the other side. I hear our guy calling your guy a "tax and spender," while your guy calls ours a "liar and a crook." And you love him for it. And I see a bunch of rapidly aging, always disgruntled, America second malcontents. Two can play at this mean-spirited game. You should have never fallen for that dribble about narcotics not having any long lasting affects.

If Kerry wins in November, I'll still have beer, pizza, loud tunes, and NASCAR to look forward to, provided I work a second job, or pull wifey out of retirement. If Bush wins in November, you'll still have wheat germ sandwiches, Slim-Fast, Geritol, and soccer to suffer through, provided that your seething hate doesn't elevate your blood pressure to the point of a stroke.

Repeat after me: Fight nice. Chill out already. How about some dudespeak? Whatever, man!

Here ya go, kiddies. Support your city. The proceeds from the sale of these T-shirts will go into the special events fund. If we're ever going to get Cheap Trick playing on the Square, we need to pump up that fund. Don't let me down on this one.

From the e-mail inbox:

******* Hey dude, We just picked up a number of t-shirts that are being sold at the parade. As you know the proceeds from the sales will go toward the parade next year. There are 1200 shirts being sold by the City. People will be walking through the parade selling them, there will be two tables in the middle of the square, there will be a table set up near the Ramada, and Leighton Headquarters on S. Main St. will be open and will also be selling them. There are a number of different styles and colors made in both short sleeve and long sleeve in sizes starting at large, extra large and 2 X.

If people would like to have them before the parade, they can contact Linda at Lyn9249@msn.com . Please put under the subject line T-shirts. Include your phone number so we can call you and arrange pick up for the shirts. Short sleeve shirts are $10.00 and long sleeve are $12.00. See you at the parade. Larry*******

They start at large and get bigger from there??? So if I want one I have to wear a tent? Put me down for a gray shirt and I'll have a guy on my back manning a hand-held television camera. Think Goodyear.

Franny! Some of us work hard at maintaining our weight and prefer not to drape things over our bodies. For future reference. You are welcome.

Lar. Put me down for a black one and a green one. I'll have them tailored tomorrow.

Oh, Jesus! Sorry about that. Lemme start over. Oh, Jeez! Better? You knew it was coming, didn't you?

If you refuse a C-section and one of your twins are still-born, you are charged with murder. Yet, over one million abortions are performed in this country every year and that's perfectly legal? Is there some great legal mind out there that would care to explain to me how my logic is way off base? Invoke some nifty Latin phrase, man, because I don't get it. Pro infanticidus? Or is that Roman?

And some goof is suing Burger King because his burger was too hot? Is "Going completely bonkers" Latin?

This is classic. From Boortz.com:

Remember last week when Democratic frontrunner for president John Kerry said that he had met with foreign leaders who said they supported the defeat of President Bush? At the time, he didn't name any names. Well, apparently he isn't going to either. Perhaps because there weren't any? Who knows.

Turns out Kerry has made no official trips abroad since the start of last year. According to the Washington Times, an extensive review of his travel schedule domestically only turned up one opportunity to meet with a foreign leader. When his spokesperson was asked, she replied "In terms of who he's talked to, we're not going to discuss that." So, it looks like we're left to fill in the blanks. Who could it be?

Remember, Dubya is a liar. Oh, and a crook too.

What's the latest from Madrid? 199 killed and 1,500 injured? Ya can't pin that one on Timothy McVeigh. The War on Terror? Yawn. Ho-hum. Who cares? It's the economy, stoopid. Again. Yet another tax-and-spend-and-spend domestic policy wonk of a Democrat that thinks geopolitics is a Milton Bradley board game.

It's the economy, stoopid. The entire world economy, that is going to collapse after a couple of Russian-made surface-to-air missiles down a few large commercial airliners. Try this on for size. What will happen to your precious investments after a few 747s go down in flames in the middle of extremely large cities? Ask John Kerry. He's the one repeating that Clinton bilge about terrorism being a law enforcement problem.

It's the economy, stoopid. He may be right, but he doesn't know how wrong he really is. Vote your conscience. There are plenty of home bomb shelter kits available right here on the internet.

Sorry about all that hippie sh*t, but in the immortal words of Frank Zappa: "Flower Power sucks." I think the past thirty-five years have proven him to be correct.

I also think we should give a big shout out to our Voter Services guru, Kevin Jordan. Yo! If there's something you're truly good at, go for it, because you ain't cutting it in your current position. Skrep? Todd? Care to give him a score from 0 to 10?

Did I piss off enough people tonight? If I missed anyone, lemme know and I'll be sure to add them to the list of people hoping to run me over.

All we are saying...is give peace a chance.

Imagine there's no heaven...

Yeah! That la-la land, do-gooder, drug-induced, holier-than-though program worked.

One pill makes you smaller...