3-16-2004 The Skateboard Enforcement Division?

Remember the "No gravitas" nonsense we were barraged with during the run-up to the 2000 presidential election? You couldn't turn on a television or a radio without some Democrat repeating the charge that Dubya had no gravitas. It was repeated over and over and over to the point of absurdity. I took my nephew to a creek near Harveys Lake to hunt crayfish. No sooner had I turned over a stone on the creek bed and snatched one of those suckers, it looked up at me and said, "No gravitas." I'm surprised the AFLAC duck didn't quack it a few times.

It seems the Dems have a new one making the rounds of the fax machines. Check it out:

(CNSNews.com) - Former President Bill Clinton is calling on the Democratic Party to raise $10 million in 10 days for Sen. John Kerry's presidential campaign by launching "the most successful 10-day fundraising drive" in party history.

"Just a week after they began their multi-million dollar advertising blitz, Republicans have gone negative with the first of what will certainly be a barrage of attack ads. This is a major test for John Kerry's campaign - and it's a significant opportunity for you and me," said Clinton in a statement.

"It's our chance to demonstrate that, in 2004, we're not going to yield an inch to the Republican attack machine when it comes to defining what this campaign is all about," he added.

From NewsMax.com:

U.S. Sen. Hillary Clinton said Sunday that likely presidential nominee John Kerry was right when he branded Republicans last week "the most crooked, you know, lying group I have ever seen."

Calling Kerry's comment "quite descriptive of reality," Clinton told an audience at Boston's Kennedy Center that the Massachusetts Democrat had been targeted by the same "vast right-wing conspiracy" that impeached her husband.

In quotes picked up by the Boston Herald, the former first lady urged Sen. Kerry to "counterpunch" with more of his own negative attacks on President Bush.

"That's important because that is the way that you convey the strength to take on this particular network of forces that stand behind the president," she said.

From Dan Kennedy of The Boston Phoenix:

Indeed, the Republican Attack Machine is now such an entrenched part of the political landscape that it no longer seems remarkable until you stop and think about the corrosive effect it has on our political discourse. And few have benefited from its toxic rhetoric as much as George W. Bush.

From John Kerry reported by The Washington Times:

"We have no illusions about the Republican attack machine and what our opponents have done in the past, and what they may try to do in the future. But I know that together, we are equal to this task. I am a fighter.

Howard Dean from The Chicago Tribune:

And we understand that we have no illusion about the Republican attack machine.

From Reuters after the "liars and crooks" blurb from Kerry:

Spokesman David Wade said Kerry was referring to "the Republican attack machine" and not specifically to Bush or Vice President Dick Cheney, although he said Bush had "a pattern of standing by while other people ... do his dirty work for him."

From JohnKerry.com:

Kerry often says his disagreements with Bush are not personal. But he uses slashing rhetoric when he talks about what he and his aides call "the Republican attack machine."

From Democrats.com

Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle isn't afraid of the Republican attack machine and you shouldn't be either!

Have we got it? Criticism of Democratic candidates or their policy proposals will be laughed off from here on out. The Republican attack machine has raised it's ugly head.

Yet...Bush has been accused of being AWOL. He has been accused of knowing beforehand that the 9/11 attacks were on their way. He has been accused of lying about WMD in Iraq. He has been accused of launching a war for oil. He has been accused of capturing Osama and keeping his capture a secret until election time. He was accused of delaying Saddam's capture for political points. He was accused of delaying the news that Libya had capitulated and surrendered it's WMD stocks to U.S. authorities for political points. I'm sure I'm forgetting tons of other accusations made against him. Can the accusation that he bites the heads off of small children be very far off?

And how about all of this bullspit about building international coalitions before acting unilaterally?

The administration is leading. The administration is making it clear that they don't believe that they even need the U.N. Security Council to sign off on a material breach because the finding of material breach was made by Mr. (Richard) Butler. So furthermore, I think the United States has always reserved the right and will reserve the right to act in its best interests.--John Kerry on Crossfire in 1997


From CNN's Crossfire, 1997

With the official start of spring only four days away, this totally sucks. Yesterday, wifey toiled away doing yard work out back. Today, I'm shoveling sidewalks out front. March can be so completely cruel. I can't believe how quickly the roads became treacherous this morning where I was in West Pittston. It started snowing in earnest at 9:15 and by 10:30 the traffic was sliding all over the place. Plus, driving a brand new vehicle with less than three hundred miles on it played on my mind as I struggled to keep that Chevy S-10 pointing straight ahead every time I touched the brakes.

Just before noon, my pager rang out and the boys from Ehrlich had been recalled. No wrecked S-10s on this particular day. After passing the airport and heading into Forty Fort, the traffic suddenly stopped dead. Some vehicles had crashed, or some sh*t, and emergency vehicles were already on scene. So, the traffic was diverted to a parallel side street and gridlock set in. After I finally made it back onto Wyoming Avenue, there was another wreck ahead of us and I headed back to the side street. Then, two Swoyersville cruisers came screaming by headed toward the back road. After crawling further south, I made it back to the avenue again, and twice had to pull over to allow ambulances to pass. To make a long story short, it took me almost an hour to drive from West Pittston to Wilkes-Barre.

Check this warm dung from the e-mail inbox:

*******SMaRt gUy,
It's been a while since last I had to educate your sorry ass. How is your hero Leighton going to build his theater if he can't even fix the potholes????? He's a one termer and so is your other hero W. It will sure suck to be you then. ENjOy jErK!*******

WhAt'S Up WiTh ThE f$$KeD-uP tExT? aRe YoU tHe MoSt cLeVeR Of tHe InBrEd SaYsO tRiBe??? kInG sAySo, sOn oF ClEeTuS ThE AnOnYmOuS???

There has been no shortage of geniuses calling SAYSO with all sorts of snide remarks for the mayor regarding the potholes in Wilkes-Barre. Many were probably motivated by the Leader doing a series of front page stories about potholes. Is that news? Is riding around trying to flatten your own tires news? Some of us are jazzed by driving around with cops and trying to hit drug houses. Others get their jollies while cruising with mechanics and tying to hit potholes. You tell me, man. I'm no journalist.

I think we covered this last year around this time. Traditionally, the plants that produce the hot patch do not open until approximately April 1st. Until then, our only option is to fill potholes with cold patch which lasts about as long as William Hung's singing career will. Until we get our hands on some of the permanent patch, the pot(w)holes will continue to be a major pain in your SAYSO dialing finger each and every time you remove it from your nose. Until April, it doesn't matter who the mayor might be, and neither would their approach to dealing with the potholes. Thanks for educating me though. (?) By the way, all of my heroes play guitar.

Leighton and Dubya both one term wonders? If it actually came to that, it wouldn't suck to be me. It would suck to be us, but I suspect you're quite used to being suckful.

So. The 911 folks are not to blame afterall for the dispatching snafu on Saturday night. That's a good thing. There's no sense in some underpaid chickie finding herself in a heap of trouble. The folks that work there don't make a pile of cash, except for the top dogs that can probably phone in their contributions to the overall operation. We are talking county jobs here.

The thing that frosts me about our 911 operation is, as it's currently configured, it's completely unnecessary. We don't have the enhanced system, which means when they answer your call, they see only your phone number and then have to cross-reference it to learn where you're calling from. They haven't installed the technology making it possible to know the location of a cell phone call. So what is the benefit of dialing 911 rather than 826-8106?

I recently learned that as you are being threatened with physical violence, the folks at 911 need to play "50 Questions." Your name? Your phone number? Your favorite color? If wifey dialed 911 and claimed that an armed intruder was breaking in, and I dialed 826-8106 on another line and made the very same claim, which call do you think would result in a cop arriving here quicker?

And where did our 911 equipment come from? Ebay? When you watch certain television shows depicting 911 telecommunicators in action, as soon as they take a call, the life history of the caller pops up on a monitor. That's not what we bought.

911: 911.

Markie: Please...please help us. There's a short, fat guy on the porch. He's got a gun and he's screaming, "Full-time, all the time, you bastard!"

911: Okay, calm down sir. Police officers are being dispatched as we speak. Is he trying to gain access to your house?

Markie: No! But he's really, really pissed and he's drooling and yelling something else at the top of his lungs about progress.

911: Okay. Stay calm. Help is on the way. Oh! Is that you Mark? How ya' been? Gee. I see here you've lost some weight, haven't you? Can you hear the sirens yet?

Let's do it Luzerne County style.

911: 911.

Markie: Please...please help us. There's a short, fat guy on the porch. He's got a gun and he's screaming, "Full-time, all the time, you bastard!"

911: What is your address, sir?

Markie: What? 23 Thompson.

911: Where are you calling from?

Markie: What? F**k! 23 Thompson, Send the cops.

911: Stay calm, sir. I'm trying to do my job. What are the last four digits of your social security number?

Markie: Bitch! He just tossed huge Holeplex bolts through the front window! Send the freakin' cops!

911: My partner is doing that now. Do you still have two dependants residing in the household?

Markie: No! ARGH! Pansy! Take that you fat fuc.......................................

911: Are you left or right-handed, sir? Sir? Sir? Are you still there, sir?

512: 512 to county. 10-23.

911: 512, 10-23. 11:59.

512: 512 to county.

911: County.

512: We're gonna need a detective, a 10-45 and the fire department to wash away the blood.

911: 10-4.

Whatever, man. Rodano's? Or McDonalds? Why is it that I can't get that drunk yelling from the top of the church in Blazing Saddles out of my mind? The sheriff is a n...BONG!!! What did he say? The sheriff is a near.

911: 911.

Citizen Ian: Goh a bleedin' far ah me mate's Donald!

What him say? Got a fire at McDonald's.

After you click on the links, scroll down. There's more than one pic on both links. Hose Chick keeps doing this to me. Don't they offer courses at Boscov's, or something?

Hose Chick's parade pics

WBFD Motorcycle Club
Hose Dudes

The return of the son of Hose Chick's parade pics

Leighton and crew
Copper Dudes

From the e-mail inbox:

*******Hey dude,
I read with astonishment in the Times Leader today about the Fire Departments response to the fire on E. Northampton St. on Saturday night. As you know there was a problem with understanding the caller on his cell phone when he was reporting the fire and the Department was sent initially to the wrong address. In a report in the paper today one of the tenants stated the following:

"Victims sitting in the small side room or milling about the restaurant and hotel lobby commented with a mix of despair at the loss and frustration at what they say was a lag in firefighters' response.

The initial dispatch sent firefighters to the wrong address. County 911 spokesman Ron Rome said the confusion occurred because the person calling had a thick accent and was excited.

But Ales and Henrietta West said that even after they arrived, firefighters seemed at a loss about how to proceed. "They were just walking around, looking," Ales said.

Contacted by phone, Fire Chief Jacob Lisman disputed that claim, insisting all available firefighters went into the building searching for victims. He said the only ones outside would have been the incident commander, a paramedic and men setting up the aerial truck."

Mark, as you as well as anyone who knows and has received help from the Department knows very well, the men of the Department do not stand outside and look around when there is a fire in the City. My fellow firefighters do not hesitate for a second to enter burning buildings when they are called to do so; not having to think about what they need to do. They are well trained and respond in a very timely manner. You yourself have witnessed how quickly and efficiently we leave the firehouse and do our jobs and for a person to state that all we did was stand around and look is at best uncalled for. Had we done that on Saturday night, the whole complex of six structures would have burned to the ground. I understand this woman lost personal articles in the fire, however she is still here to talk about it. What is worth more? Have a good day. Larry*******

I know. I know. I caught her comments in the newspaper. She was definately speaking from a position of ignorance, but there's no shortage of that in SAYSO-Land. What she should have been doing is swinging an aluminum bat at the two dolts that drank all day long and then laid down on a bed with a lit cigarette. I wouldn't let that gibberish bother any of you that chew on soot for a living. With the rare exception being a goober such as myself, the residents don't have a clue as to what you guys do.

Another thought I had was, would you seriously consider renting a unit in that building after seeing just the outside of the structure? Some places simply look like a fire waiting to erupt. I'm wondering how old the wiring is in that joint. Circuit breakers, or fuses? I don't know. Whatever.

Forget her. She never rolled a hose.

22 refurbished benches on Public Square? Ah, progress. Actual progress. I could get so freaking used to this. But what the heck is Project Benchmark? Are the benches a direct result of the efforts of The Downtown Residents Association who's members auctioned off those Christmas trees at the Kirby back in December? Or is this some other project? Just curious.

"Plastic lumber" benches, heh? What should we do when we see those sorry-assed skateboard slackers using them as some sort of jump ramp? You just have to know that those future career bus boys are gonna be on them like stench on Charlie Weiss. You do know that, right? I'm not sure what patrol changes have come about since Dessoye made chief. I did see a copper dude walking the beat on the Square this afternoon. We're gonna need a babysitter down there, or that plastic lumber is gonna get scuffed all to hell right quick.

Deputize me. The Police Auxillary Bike Patrol Unit. I like that idea. I have a Maglite (6 D Cells) bigger than most of those kids, so it shouldn't be too much of a challenge. I already have handcuffs. Don't ask. And I could wear my old Police pin. The Blond Beatles. I'll just tape over Stewart Copeland's ugly mug. All that I'll need is a radio and a vest. A stylish one. Summer's coming. When can I take the Civil Service bike test? I'm calling Captain Remensnyder tomorrow.

Police Auxillary Bike Patrol Officer #666. Heyna? Or no?

Or would it be considered The Skateboard Enforcement Division?

Ah, the hell with it.