10-6-2006 If your sex life sucks...run for Congress


Apparently former Rep. Mark Foley has a thing for very young…ahem, men. And being a Republican, that’s a completely damnable offense. Republicans claim to have taken the high road whereas morality and such is concerned, so they are not allowed any vices. Especially four weeks before a mid-term election.

Stick with me here, I’m not whining or anything. Yeah, I lean heavily Republican on most national issues, but I ain’t no Bible-thumper, and I never, ever pretended to be better than anyone else. Well, maybe a little.

I think what the Foley controversy proves without a doubt is that neither the Republicans, nor the Democrats give a flying fu>k about us. One party tried to keep a budding scandal hush-hush for far to long in an attempt to hang onto their majority status. And the other seems to have kept quiet while a pederast slithered along amongst them, disturbingly, as part of their quest to make a last-minute power grab. Foley actions were reprehensible, but not leaked to the press until the time was just right for an October surprise. So neither the Republicans or Democrats took the high road whereas morality is concerned while the sleaze tried to lure young “men.”

As far as last-minute surprises go, the Democrats seem to be making a habit of this last-second “gotcha” habit. We had the drunk-driving flap in 2000. We had us the Dan Rather false documents in 2004. And now we’ve got the “Republicans are hypocritical homos, too!” fiasco. Meanwhile, the country continues to flounder along.

I don’t want to get into this “Democrats do it, too!” nonsense. Yes, Democrats have been caught doing much the same things Mark Foley was doing. The biggest difference being that Democrats seem to be proud of their long descent into depraved degeneracy. Boys, girls, interns, trailer park trash, farm animals…they don’t discriminate. Ask Bill Clinton or Ted Kennedy about all of that. If it’s remotely warm, the Democrats will do it, if not promote it as an alternative lifestyle choice. The problem the Republicans have is that they are the ultimate defenders of the religious folk, so they aren’t supposed to be sticking it where it ain’t supposed to be stuck. It hardly seems fair, though. How come the stupid Democrats get to have all of the slippery fun?

Again, as a Republican, I’m not whining. Sure, the Democrats seem poised to regain the majority with this latest flap raging away. And, yes, then they’ll be able to set the agenda, which, in my mind, to the victors go the spoils. I’m a big boy, I can deal with all of that. I will admit to being somewhat worried about such a thing coming to fruition. The current crop of Democrats don’t have the stomach for a fight, and seem intent on turning this country into a Europe West of sorts: a socialist nanny-state where personal responsibility and dogged individualism will need to be severely curtailed by way of political correctness, legislation or force if need be. (See Ruby Ridge, Waco or the root causes of the Oklahoma City bombing)

If the Democrats regain control of the reigns, I’ll be surrounded by untold amounts of illegal aliens given sudden amnesty. And then they’ll be bombarded with entitlements as the Democrats will try to buy the growing illegal alien vote. But I’ll be subject to arrest for lighting a Newport in a public forbidden zone? My taxes will increase exponentially and I’ll have to work even more overtime as a result? Entitlements will increase, and I’ll have to continue to suffer the indignity of subsidizing those able-bodied folks who would prefer to drink all night, sleep all day and make a minimal effort only when the welfare funds are transferred twice monthly to their freebie accounts? We’ll have more compassion, more shelters, more food banks and the crime rates will rise as a direct result? We’ll get tons more government regulation, lots more baseless environmentalism, a decidedly anti-American Kyoto treaty and a feeble economy as a result? This is what I have to look forward to? The minimum wage will no doubt rise sharply simply because the Democrats have to pay for the loyal union vote. Dubya will be impeached because he dared to upset the anointed one--the gifted climatologic, Dr. Al Gore. Oh, and we’ll pass even more money to the teachers unions and smirk in unison when the Democrats claim the money spent was spent on “the children.“ No big deal. I’ll deal with it if it comes to pass. In actuality, maybe I’ll consider relocating to New Zealand where it is not considered mental to commute by bicycle.

The thing that bugs me is the innocent pages that supposedly outed the Republican pervert. Well, he’s a pervert by Republican standards, but just an average guy in the other party. Seriously, now. When Democrats do it, they downplay it. Oh, so the president had oral sex with an intern…big deal. So a Congressman had an underage female page spread-eagled and begging for mercy a few dozen times. Big whoop. So Barney Frank and Associates Inc. were providing a much-needed service for those who think fondly of squatting on lubricated spindles. Who are we to judge?

Kick-ass sound system

Be honest. The criticism of Mark Foley’s abject hypocrisy should be limited to Mark Foley on the Republican side of the aisle. But the Democrats…whew boy! These people will defend the most depraved deviancy every single time it’s tried by one of their own. Hypocrisy? Yeah, but it cuts both ways. Basically, depending on who’s being accused of what, the Democrats stand for nothing one day, and are indignant with outrage the next. They will sacrifice what little principles they once had for power. It’s a pathetic thing to have to watch.

I told Wifey that when I was 16-years-old, if some old guy made sexual advances on me, he would be very quickly reduced to praying that the cops got there just in time to save his miserable life. Sorry, sh*tdick! But this sphincter swings but one way! So I can’t fathom why a bunch of 16 and 17-years-old males would be so eager to swap instant messages and e-mails with some old guy who wanted to do unnatural things to them. In my mind, they are either very curious about their sexuality, or they were in on the political set-up from the get-go. Something ain’t right with all of that.

Back in my day, it was socially acceptable to escort those gay boys back to where they wanted to take you to, beat the last snot out of them and take their money. There were no gay sex scandals back in those days. In 1970, Mark Foley would have gotten punched out by someone’s outraged father and that would have been the end of it. These emasculated days, violence is frowned upon in any given situation, so the gay boys feel free to work their perverted brand of magic on their fellow males the world over. Yes, these oft-confounding days, deviancy is encouraged, er, promoted by the political party that stands for nothing and as a direct result, heterosexuals have no choice but to endure things they find to be totally repulsive and repugnant. If somebody had just popped Mark Foley in the eye once or twice, his life would not be ruined, he’d have reeled his sorry act in just a tad and we’d all be talking about the important issues of the day rather than the abject lunacy that currently dominates the political headlines.

Anyway, supposedly normal 16-year-old males trading e-mails with the horny old homo guy should be a big red flag for all of us concerned onlookers. Something doesn’t add up. Or, to put things in a more sexual context, something doesn’t fit in the hole we’re trying to jam it into. Try some lubricant.

So, the political party that promoted the deviancy always but one step removed from pederasty is treating us to their feigned outrage, demanding an impromptu inquisition and rejoicing in the remarkably mistaken belief that ‘Red State’ America will now perceive both of our major political parties to be totally devoid of any morals at all. Insomuch as this voter is concerned, nothing…that’s, nothing could be further from the truth. I’d just assume vote for the political party that dares to stand for something at all and fails to live up to expectations on occasion than the party that consistently proves that it stands for little or nothing. But that’s just me.

Anyway, while the Democrats are already gleefully celebrating their rightful ascendancy to power, I must remind them that there are still 30-some odd days remaining until we next hit the polling places. And before they start popping the corks, they should consider what key issues will likely resonate with voters immediately after the voting booth curtains are drawn behind them. After the political adds, the name-calling and the subsequent fervor has subsided, what will make them pull one lever in favor of another? Um, let’s try the economy, national security and the real hot button issue on the streets--border security.

And if those three issues have the Democrats brimming with confidence come election day, I’m here to tell you that they wasted their time once again with their latest October surprise gambit. Congressional pederasty run amok will not be tolerated by the electorate. No way, no how, and the political affiliation of the offending party matters not. But, just in case you missed it, Mark Foley resigned. And come November 7, the economy, national security and border security will come back to bite the Democrats pretty darn close to where Mark Foley wanted to bite the congressional pages.

Sorry, but dirty tricks will never be confused with sound policy.

Putting all of the political mumbo jumbo aside, look at it this way. If your sex life sucks…run for Congress. That’ll sure spice things up.

Sez…well, Congress sez.

Drink up

Necessary reading. No, a quiz will not follow.

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From the e-mail inbox Good Morning, Visited W-B for first time in 2 years. Ran into the Gov. (literally) entering TL building. He could shed a few pounds. Two thumbs up for new street lights and removal of that God-awful canopy. New Theatre looks great but still would rather see Percy Brown in business there. Fountain not working again, I see, not much of a sight when it does. Needs a real fountain like those in Europe with statues of naked people and a place to toss coins and make wishes. Instead of that monument in Kirby Park how about a real water-gusher in the square? Bring this up next time you are chatting with your buddy, The Mayor.

Wait a second. How the heck are politicians supposed to be all trim and such when they are constantly politicking? Think about it. No matter where they go and what they do, somebody is shoving food and drink at them. Dinners, testimonials, block parties, tomato festivals, church bazaars, etc., etc., etc. Show me the consummate politician with a 32-inch waistline, and I’m thinking this is one disciplined son-of-a-bitch. Or one suffering with some sort of rare eating disorder. Whatever. Doesn’t matter none.

Yeah, the fountain. I hear that. It was mothballed for a variety of reasons. The city’s 200th birthday events. The Governor’s award show, or whatever the funk that tented affair was supposed to be about. Trust me, the grandrodents kept bugging me to park the elongated bike on the square so they could run through the fountain and go all nuts like they always do. But all summer long I had to keep telling them that it was closed. And then they’d say, “Why?” Why? Because toddlers don’t vote, that’s why!!! Damn. I figure Walter Griffith will pick that one up and run with it.

Tom Leighton closed the fountain. Tom Leighton hates toddlers.

Why not? Makes about as much sense as all the other useless venom he spews on a regular basis.

Although, I must agree that an enhanced fountain that actually worked correctly would be quite the addition to Public Square. And it would sure firm up the toddler vote.

And then there’s Percy Brown’s. Man, that was the only job I’ve ever had that I never once thought of as a job. Thing is, I liked going there five days a week, sometimes six. It was part ball-buster, part education, part hanging out with the guys and part being a vital part of something uniquely special. Something historical, but equally vibrant in the present tense. That place taught me how to cook, how to tone down my sorry foul-mouthed act and instilled in me a strong work ethic that remains with me to this very day. If you never worked there, you’ll never completely understand. Kind of like the untimely death of a close relative, there are those days when I saunter on down Northampton Street and can’t believe it’s actually gone. How did Living Color put it?

You can tear a building down…but you can’t erase a memory.

Oh, then the crashing, overdubbed Root 6 bar chords. Bring it on!!!

AWESOME!!! Sorry about that.

Check this out. The other day Sue Henry of WILK fame interviewed an actor, James Karen, who was born in Wilkes-Barre. And as she was running down the list of impressive credits he has amassed, I could not put a name to the face. Needless to say, as soon as I got home that day I Googled the guy, which has nothing at all in common with what Mark Foley wants to do to most guys on most days. Long story short, as her interview with him was in it’s waning moments, he said one of the things he misses most about Wilkes-Barre is eating at Percy Brown’s. Trust me, he is certainly not alone with that line of thinking.

Percy A. Brown & Co.: Foods of Distinction since 1905

VINTAGE PERCY BROWNS MATCHBOOK

Arthur C. Clarke anyone?

CYA





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