2-24-2008 Video Flapdoodle

One of our local bloggers has been doing what he likes to call “Youtube Weekend” for a while now.

Yeah, instead of posting much text, Gort 42 posts some his favorite Youtube videos on the weekends. By the way, that’s not his real name. His real name is Gortimus Maximus.

Anyway, I’ve gotten to thinking of this relatively newfound practice of his as being somewhat lazy. Then again, since he’s married, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with ignoring the internet every now and again. Well, that is, if you hope to remain married for very long.

Honey, can you help me in the shower?

Um, I would but I’m writing my latest installment of the World According To Me, dear.

An obvious occupational pitfall for those of us that insist on further polluting this wonderful internet of ours.

I’ve knowingly been behindhand in my chosen internet duties of late, but I really did feel like posting something meaningful today. The thing is, while I feel an overriding need to, I don’t really want to. Something about the fragile duality that is being a certifiably devote weirdo. Nevermind about all of that. Just suffice it to say that while I truly enjoy writing, it does get all too time-consuming every now and again.

So rather than type anything of note, rather than dazzle anyone with my utter brilliance, rather than shake you to your very core with my usual nonstop profundities, I’ve chosen to rip-off good ole Gortimus. No, I’ll not use his “Youtube Weekend” moniker. Instead, I’ve decided to call this needless foray into the deepest depths of abject absurdity “Video Flapdoodle.”

And despite the odious nature of the word flapdoodle, my intent is not to demean anyone. No, it takes a special breed of mental incontinence to produce anything approaching pure, unadulterated flapdoodle. So what we’re doing here today is recognizing those who bring us the absolute best, the breathtakingly magnificent, the most farcical bunkum to ever approach the dizzying apex of the worthless flapdoodle apogee.

I lied. Maybe it is meant to be somewhat demeaning. Bummer.

As does Gortimus, I’d like to start off with a music video. If this isn’t the weirdest thing you’ve seen since the lackadaisically demented 60’s generation invented drug overdoses, sexually transmitted diseases, baby-killing legislation, broken families as the norm’ and reinvented wholesale immorality as a form of virtuousness, you ain’t seen nothing worth remembering.

Here’s Devo performing a live and robotic version of Blockhead:

I don’t care what Kevin Lynn says, Devo rules. Besides, he seems to be inordinately obsessed with musicians that overdosed by their 27th birthdays. Yeah, if they drank way too much or snorted or smoked something or other way too much, they were supremely talented. Hey, what did we expect from a survivor of America’s worst generation?

This morsel is beyond tasty. It seems that Congressman Paul Kanjorski was adamantly against the 30,000-stong surge in Iraq. I know, I know. The lefties can’t envision a scenario in which the U.S. military, or the United States of America prevails over anything. But they are all on the wrong side of history whereas the surge is concerned.

Sucks, hayna? You know, America prevails? Boy, those Democrats didn’t see that one coming. I’ll bet they’re pissed.

He’s funny. Well, like a case of prickly heat is funny.

And here’s his eventual replacement, Lou Barletta, on CNN with Lou Dobbs.

Notice the difference in approach? Lou Barletta seems to think that we can prevail when faced with an enormous challenge. Optimism rather than the Democrat’s usual penchant for pessimism borne of partisan politics.

Although, Lou Barletta is a proud card-carrying republican, so you know the defeatist “progressives” are going to accuse him of crimes against humanity that haven’t even been thought of yet. Yep, the socialist secessionists from all that made America great will treat him worse than a convicted serial killer.

As a matter of fact, I think Lou Barletta killed and ate my children.

Oh, and since a vocal few of us have managed to drain the life out of Paul Kanjorski’s half-witted idea of a dam, let us revisit what his previous political challenger had to say about the prospects of recreating in fecal matter.

Warning: The following video contains a registered republican. Please have the women, children and Bolshevist wannabes--Democrats--shield their eyes and cover their ears. Think nice thoughts like…global warming, free health care, neocon conspiracies, weed-powered automobiles, Christianity outlawed, legalized narcotics, Karl Rove burned alive, Karl Marx Day as a new national holiday, or self-imposed oil embargoes. You know, your usual fantasies.

This one had me splitting a gut. What a fu>king total maroon! Sugar Notch’s resident political yo-yo, Mario Fiorucci, calls me a “political hack” at a 2007 County Commissioner’s meeting.

I’m flattered.

Oh no! Does this mean I won’t be invited to the 7-man strong 9th annual State of The World forum later this year? Ah shucks, man. I was really looking forward to this less than world-shattering event in which the self-absorbed lamebrains and the self-styled revolutionaries waste an otherwise good afternoon. So much so, I even hollowed out a potato and everything. Drat!

Yo!…Mario!…get a fu>king life already, will you? Oh, and a job, too. Like anyone really cares what you think of them. You’re the one local politician who couldn’t get elected even if your opponent upped and died and willed the office to you.

Oh, and since we’ve got the nutters on parade here, I’d be remiss if I didn’t embed something from those lively Scranton City Council meetings. You know, in all honesty, some of us really don’t deserve any constitutional rights. This is what will be in store for the citizenry of Wilkes-Barre if and when our City Council meetings are televised.

If you can watch this entire video without laughing your ball bearings off, I will send you an oversized manila envelope stuffed with cash.

Here’s a timeless classic. The “You callin’ me a liar?” video.

Timeless.

And then we’ve got the big two of local political foolishness…Walter and Timmy. Hmmm…what have we here? Glitches coming from voting machines or proof of political hanky panky at the hands of the dreaded, the so-called “machine?” Minor irregularities or the big fix?

It’s amazing to me how they will continually sully anyone’s good name on a total whim, so long as it keeps their names in the newspapers. According to them, everyone is guilty of something, excepting, of course, themselves. They are the stone pillars of virtuousness and goodness, while the rest of us are but useless scoundrels to be dealt with at some point.

The more noise these two make, the harder I chuckle. What do they say? Oh, yeah. It takes all kinds, even a few disaffected mad hatters.

This concludes our first ever installment of Video Flapdoodle. I hope you enjoyed it…

That’s not true. I hope to have totally pissed you off. And if I didn’t piss you off, I’ll try much harder next time.

As always, ‘til next time.

P.S.--To the guy who emailed me about his beloved right to protest…

Dude, if you can’t afford a measly 20 bucks, trust me, you ain’t gonna change the world one iota. Now hold the pickle, hold the lettuce and don’t bore me any further.

"Are you not entertained?"--Gortimus Maximus






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