1-31-2005 I done good

America, your fallen sons and daughters will not be forgotten by the Iraqi people.--Some Iraqi commentator on C-SPAN

Sure, I failed to catch his name. But remember this, thank's to that idealistic George Bush, I did not sleep at all Saturday into Sunday. But I managed alright. In fact, I somehow managed to stay awake long enough to catch Matt Drudge on WILK into Monday morning. And people keep telling me I'm gettin' old. (?)

Anyways, I slept in to some degree this morning. So, I am gettin' a little old I guess. I got up, put some tea on and turned on the radio in time to catch the 9 AM news break on WILK. And then immediately following the news came Sue Henry's daily Magical Culm County Tour. Right out of the gates, she wanted to know what us local folks thought of the Iraqi elections and I would have expected nothing less from her. That was obviously the hottest topic going this morning.

And as she was getting things rolling, I was somewhat sidetracked while laughing at some really, really stupid e-mails sent my way. The usual bilge like: U're an effing dick. U're Leighton's boy toy. Now that we have no fire stations left, I hope u're house catches on fire. Very nice. Even though I've never run for and won any elected office, there are those days when I feel as if I have. No biggie. Kiss my freakin' grits, okay?

So I heard Sue say "Fred from the Back Mountain" as she pushed the right button and invited him onto the airwaves of NEPA. So, Fred, what do you think of the Iraqi elections?

I couldn't believe what I was hearing from this guy who normally has no problem at all trying to make a cogent point. Vietnam all over again? Body bags? Korea? What in the funk was this? Will you AARP folks ever get over Vietnam? Jesus! When I was a wee lad, I knew plenty of WWII veterans who were only twenty years removed from some of the most horrific combat ever waged. And I never once heard any of them whine about what they had been through. Not even once. And if they did talk about it, they'd usually say something about doing what they had to do while looking as if they were staring at something light years away from here.

But the Woodstock generation just can't stop whining on cue about a costly foreign entanglement that was waged by others while they were twaddling along with their stupid protest signs and their hits of purple micro-dot in tow. Hey, former flower child! Should we allow rogue nations and rogue nutballs to crash the entire world economy and plunge us into the depression to end all depressions? Or should we engage? What? Speak up, will you? Are you yet another yippie sixties child that thinks ingesting copious amounts of opiates had no long-lasting effects. What?

Arghh, Vietnam, dude. The wall. Body bags, man. Korea wasn't a declared war. Nixon bombed Laos, man. That was wrong. The Gulf of Tonkin was a lie. Jim Morrison said so. Jane Fonda, man! Jane Fonda!

Put a f**king toxic sock in it, moron! Better yet, take 80 hits of methadone and call me in the morning. Go hang out with Jimi and Janis already. You know you want to. Go sing, dance, strum and tye-die some shirts in Haight-Asbury Heaven.

Needless to say, I was startled by this silly notion that because waging war is an awful, awful undertaking, that fact should preclude us from ever firing a single bullet in anger again. I'll go back to what I said to the homeowner dude I was standing right next to when that second plane exploded through one of our twin towers. And I quote myself: They just f**ked-up. They just don't know it yet. So guess what? They're just beginning to get it. Osama and his dimwitted disciples formally declared war on this country and then fired the first dozen shots or so. And we looked the other way for well too long. But Dubya isn't willing to look the other way. And I find it totally confounding that so many of our citizens can't stomach a fight even after being attacked.

If Fred had called Sue after Pearl Harbor was viciously attacked, he'd probably be arguing that we lost too many guys in WWI to even consider responding to the Japanese aggression. We suffered a second Pearl Harbor a couple of years ago and Bush has responded in kind. He had to.

Any-freaking-way, while Fred was still yapping away about being on the eve of destruction again, I fired off this e-mail to Sue Henry:

Can't Stand Good News

Suzie Q,

With all due respect, are we discussing Iraq, or Vietnam? Or Korea? Fred's trying to draw parallels to the watershed moments during his generations run, and as far as I can tell; those folks are mainly a pessimistic bunch. Can't do it. Won't work. Too expensive. Too Pax Americana. Appeasement and isolation is much easier and a whole lot less bloody. Can't we all just hold hands, think pure thoughts and make like an absence of shooting equates peace.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I can only remember three times that Middle Easterners were allowed to vote in a free and clear election and determine their own destinies. Let's see here, Afghanistan...Palestinian territories....and, um, Iraq. How 'bout that? All during Dubya's "dangerous" and "reckless" four-plus year run. I keep hearing the naysayers badmouthing Dubya as being some sort of chuckleheaded Texan who mangles every fifth word, but his stance that everyone, no matter who, deserves freedom and democracy rather than tyranny, bloodshed, famine, and, or genocide is a stance that this country was founded upon.

You know, the last time I saw Middle Eastern folks dancing in the streets, I sat stunned and motionless in front of the television as innocent people were leaping to their deaths from the top of a NYC skyscraper. On that fateful day, they were celebrating mostly hate and death. This weekend I sat here possibly watching some of those very same folks celebrating freedom and liberty. In the polluted inner crevices of my mind, that is an amazing, almost unthinkable turn of events in such a short space of time. And the best we can get from Fred is ridiculous references to the Vietnam Memorial?

When an organized rogue group declares war on your country, attacks your country and also promises all sorts of unspeakable horrors in the future; the time to act decisively has arrived. And love him or hate him, Dubya has done just that. He may mangle his words, and his ears may be goofy looking, but he had the clarity of thought to see that a bold paradigm shift was called for. And what does that get him back here at home? More indignant indignation from the American apologists that want a risk-free foreign policy forever more. In the post-9/11 environment, that's a recipe for future man-made disasters. Sorry, aging hippies, but I think we gave the hollow peace a chance. Sez me.

Markie in Nord End

And there it was. I typed it and I sent it wherever e-mails go before they eventually arrive where they're supposed to. And then I gave it a quick read and thought to myself that there was no frickin' way she'd ever read that one on the air. It's just way, way too opinionated and borderline nasty coming from one of those goose-stepping, baby-eating, homophobic and racist neo-con converts. Otherwise known as traditionalist Americans when not being tarred-and-feathered by the quasi-American lunatic fringe. Nope. No way was she gonna read that puppy anywhere near an open microphone.

But I did have another quick thought and it made me smile inside. It made me feel really good about myself and my rapid-fire electronic diatribe. I thought about WILK's resident lunatic caller, one "Kurt from Scranton." This guy hates this country so completely, I just knew that if Sue had a momentary lapse of reason and actually read my e-mail on the air, both Kurt and his favorite three-legged chair bought at the local Salvation Army Thrift Store would go toppling over faster than Hillary can race to become a centrist.

Yepper. That's what I thought. If Sue reads that, Kurt is gonna freak out and heave his bongo right through the window pane during his bull rush to grab a hold of mommy's telephone. Yup. And it was early yet. I also pictured him spitting his egg white, wheat germ and cannabis omelette chunks right across the room and clear past those multi-colored beads hanging in the doorway. Ahhhh! Iraqi elections good? Dubya good? War for oil! War for profit! War for empire! Think critically! America is killing for profit! Lemme see, 8-8-3-0-0-9-8! That's what I envisioned.

And much to my surprise, after a spell, Sue had a momentary lapse of reason and read my thoughts on the air for all to hear. And after what seemed like just a few minutes, she announced that she had Kurt on hold while heading into a commercial break. I knew it! I freakin' knew it! Even though nobody knew about it, I called it. And I was so happy. I was so completely proud of myself. If you can push Kurt's one-world-order buttons, you have done good. Alright, it was easy. All I had to do was make some pitch about truth, justice and the American way and I knew the professional America-bashing protestor would feel the need to share with us why we as proud Americans all suck and how woefully uninformed we are. This country's evil, man. Our motives are evil. Our politicians are evil. Well, that is, the republicans are evil. Hell, we'll invade ten countries if it'll help to lower McDonald's food costs? Why can't we all see that??? Kurt sees the evil that pervades everything that we do as a nation. Why can't we?

So the commercials finally ended...and Kurt was spewing away. And he was wilder than normal. He was all over the board. Children protesting Roosevelt. The Civil War and those rednecks. The Spanish-American war and some general that fought in it. Buy this book. Read that book. A war for oil. A war for profit. A war for empire. Neo-con redux. You just have to know that I was sitting here giggling myself silly after turning up the volume.

Bush ate my children after dipping them in oil for profit! Or was it McDonald's? Or was it the Rise and Fall of the Neo-Con Empire? Or the Food Cost wars? What? Not even a single freakin' mention of the evil military/industrial complex? Those evil warmongers are always looking to vaporize some poor nation without adequate air defenses as a way of proving their product's ultimate market potential, right? The Spanish/American war was the first war for profit! Or empire! Or oil! Or coal! Or something like that! Doesn't matter! America has been completely evil ever since Al Gore was dispatched to the fat farm! Before that, it was only moderately evil! Read! Read the book! Read the web site! Think critically! Why should I have to wallow in abject poverty only because I refuse to seek out gainful employment? Woe is me, my country is evil!

You could surely make the case that the timing of his call was a mere coincidence. I wholeheartedly disagree. I know the nature of the anti-American, welfare state (socialist) beast, and I'm tellin' you I blew his freakin' stoner mind early this morning.

I done good. I done good simply by suggesting that America had done good. It was easy.

And if that's not enough funkin' fun, I recorded his entire call to WILK. Like I said, I figured that if Sue read my e-mail Kurt would toss something or other. He did toss his cannabis cookies and I was ready for him. I'm not gonna transcribe his entire, rambling freak out session, but I figured I'd give you at least a taste of what the America-hating home-towners are saying these days.

Sue: Kurt, were you happy when you saw this situation in Iraq yesterday? It sounds like you weren't.

Kurt: Thank God for the Iraqi people and their courage. But I think...it's not over yet. And the Sunnis didn't really vote. And again, my idea was a United States of Iraq, Sue. Where you would have...initially the Kurds could control some of their territory. The Sunnites have their territory and the Shiites have theirs...roughly....you know, so they could have and nurish their own little ethnic identities cause just like when communism collapsed, when the dictator is gone, the ethnic communities that were suppressed wanna get together and have their rights.

Sue: So do you think that the north and the south should have broken up for good?

Kurt: I think the civil war was a mistake in alot of ways because we never really got over it. I, I think we could have done it in other ways. Bloodshed and war is kind of a bad idea.

Sue: Who never really got over the civil war, Kurt?

Kurt: The South. There's alot of people who, who are clinging to that rebel idea. And if you...and..what, what was the civil war about? It was the industrialized north against the agrarian south. The south used slavery to support their economy. But we had wage slaves in the, in the, in the satanic mills up in the north.


Need I say more?

Put the politics aside for a moment. I know it sucks, but try it anyway. Was the successful election in Iraq an affirmation of the prez' policies? Or were the results of that election an affirmation of his steadfast belief that when confronted with a choice, most people will naturally gravitate towards freedom and liberty?

Whatever. Whichever. All I know is, I made "Kurt from Scranton" freak the funk out out this morning with a ton of help from Sue Henry.

I done good.

Let's do an e-mail:

*******If culture is what some folks seek, that's fine by me. If pretending that watching semi-naked Cambodians dancing around with feathers and bells on is culture that only the most superior minds can appreciate, I'm here to tell you I'd rather watch a Super 8 version of "Dirty Mary and Crazy Larry" on the side of cuzzin Hoby's double-wide. Give me a stolen lawn chair, a case of Milwaukee's Best on ice within arms reach, some of my first cuzzins and their girly friends jigglin' all around in cut-off shorts and a '69 Charger R/T wreaking all sorts of havoc on all of civilization. Now that's entertainment there, sugar cheeks!

You are soooooooo f**********ked in the head! And I love it!*******

I know it.

I'm off to welcome the Bravo Company boys back home tomorrow. Yes, my family's ox was certainly gored to some degree during this unwanted conflagration in the Middle East. Rory was called to serve and he did so quite capably. And now we're all breathing a huge sigh of relief. And if that's not enough excitement for one day, tomorrow I'll be able to meet his "war bride" for the very first time. This is like something out of a black-and-white WWII RKO newsreel. It's surreal. It's like deja-vu. Or deja-dit. I don't know. All I know is I'm happy. And while I eagerly await my chance to whoop it up and then some with my nephew-my returning veteran-I remain mindful of the families that prayed for such a glorious day only to never have it arrive.