4-1-2004 They were Rambos

Today is both an ending and a beginning. An end to the right-wing dominance of talk radio, a beginning of a battle for truth, a battle for justice, indeed, for America itself not to be . . . grandiose.--Al O'Franken, kicking off the new Air Amerika liberal-minded radio betwork yesterday

Sorry, Buster, but this ain't Weekend Update with Al O'Franken and Chevy Chase. I'm afraid it'll take a bit more than busting on the jewels of the ultra-successful talk radio hosts to command a sizable audience, hold that audience, and more importantly-draw major advertisers. I'm big enough to admit when I was wrong. This outfit might not last long enough to expend the entire $60 million pledged to it.

Franken's schtick shaky in liberal radio debut

I dropped by the Air America site last night and listened to the second half of the Janeane Garbarfamo show. I loathe pets. I can't stand being in close proximity to any sort of animals. After listening to her amateurish bilge last night, The Pet Guy's show is starting to sound pretty good right about now. Do ya' think he could convince me to stop kicking our one-eyed cat? Probably not.

Then at 11 pm, the rebroadcast of O'Franken's inaugural show was supposed to begin, but the site just died. I can only stand so many hours of buffering that amounts to nothing. His is a "no spin zone" all right. You go to the new "network's" vaunted new web site and you can't even spin the supposedly available audio. These stooges will be heading back to the gulag before very long.

How many "Wilkes-Barre Air Rescues" can one person possibly be capable of pulling off on a mostly gullible populace and one internet newbie of a radio talk show host? Sorry about that Fred. What did y'all expect from me? Tom Leighton plans to purchase the mothballed U.S.S. New Jersey, park it along our river banks and then bug Rendell for the go-ahead to open the world's first Iowa Class battleship casino? According to unnamed sources within City Hall, Tom Leighton has been secretly channeling his campaign donations directly to Hamas? According to an informed South Wilkes-Barre minister, one of our hose dudes underwent a complete sex change operation in 1983, so technically, his wife cannot possibly be a bigamist? Our new City Administrator was once a B movie actor and his most notable role was that of Columbia in The Rocky Horror Picture Show?

Who would have believed anything that outlandish? This April Fools Day stuff isn't as easy as most might make it out to be. And what's so preposterous about this troubled scribe being offered a city job? Politicos pay off their biggest supporters more often than terrorists pray. And many of the folks that go well out of their way to support politicos usually do so for some sort of personal benefit. In the end, what's more palatable? The U.S.S. Manny Gordon floating casino and 18" gun slide play park, or some politico offering a job to some crony?

Whatever. Y'all saw through that city job bunk. Well. Just about all y'all. That didn't surprise me. From the e-mail inbox:

*******APRIL FOOLS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*******

Another one:


You can fool some of the people some of the time. A lucrative post with the City of Wilkes-Barre? You KNOW your server is going to fry tomorrow. No wind sock photos, please!

Your creative imagination is running amok...can't wait for the 4/1/04 post.

Kayak Dude*******


*******Mark- looks like you're setting everyone up for another April Fools joke. Lets see how many idiots actually bitch that you're getting a City job.

P.S. I got the bike up and running...just waiting for a bracket from Bell to come in the mail for Jr's seat. Call me, we'll ride.

Copper Dude
Officially licensed Dude of Wilkes-Barre Online.********

Yet again:

*******Yeah, right

Let's see, I wonder what lucrative position you were offered:

Senior CD Spinner.
Chief Thrower through Plate Glasser.
Executive Kevin Lynn Correcter.
Manager of Nancy Kman's Legs...I would be envious, she is beautiful.
National Sue Henry Syndicator...she is good enough to go Nationwide in my opinion.
Secretary to the Home Rule Charter Exposer.
Chairman of the Walter and Kristine "Damn we didn't get elected" Committee.
President of the Rock-stomping, Internet-publishing, Right-winged, Bush lovin', Commie-bashin', Kid lovin', Hose/Copper Dude-supportin' Club.

or how about...

Supreme Dude. Bang.

And I was just offered a very lucrative position as Derriere Masseur (how about that French lingo) for Jennifer Lopez, Catherine Bell, Angelina Jolie, and Halle Berry.

It is, after all, April 1.********

One more time:

*******April Fools! That's exactly why I visit this site. I never know what to expect. You are so far off the scale. Keep on keeping on you NetZilla.*******

And then there's this:

*******Doesnt that figure. You campaigned long and hard and now its all about to pay off for you. You landed your dream job. YOur credibility is in the sh*tter and so is your web experience. NObody will want to hear from you again. See you. Wipe that brown from your nose.********

There had to be one idiot, heyna? My "dream job." A simultaneous laughing/coughing fit is about to come over me. My dream job. How perceptive you are. I'll never forget the first time my step-dad and I took the train from Derby to the backside of Yankee Stadium. He took me to what he said was the player's entrance and told me to be patient. He promised that sooner or later, Mickey Mantle would come sauntering along and ready to divy out some autographs. In a nutshell, he was wrong about Mantle. But I did get quite a few autographs that fine day. I met Joe Pepitone. I met Horace Clarke. I met a young Bobby Murcer and I also met Mel Stottlemyre. As he scribbled his name on my pad, he looked down at me with my baseball mitt still on my hand and he asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up? A ball player?" I said, "No sir. I figure if I study real, real hard, say my prayers every night, and never, ever sass off to my mama, I could one day be the Transportation Manager for the City of Wilkes-Barre."

Within a few years, I scoffed at studying, I abandoned the prayers that were beaten into me for so long, and I learned the less than intricate art of offending nearly everyone with my lazer-sharp foul tongue. I never did grow up. And now I realize that I'm never going to be the Transportation Manager of the City of Wilkes-Barre. I'm a beaten and bitter boy trapped in a skinny man's body. How long do you suppose it would take me to travel from the very top of the City Center building to the sidewalks below while wearing thoroughly soaked clothing? April Fools! Or is it, April's Fool?

I was not shocked in the least by what happened to those four Americans in Iraq yesterday. I saw that as par for the course these days. All sorts of unspeakable atrocities are being perpetrated against all sorts of disparate folks every single day. For us, seeing our fellow countrymen being mutilated is certainly upsetting, but it's not unusual by any stretch of the imagination on this increasingly divided and savage world.

What really pissed me off to the hilt was Kevin Lynn's having referred to these four guys as "mercenaries" on WILK this morning. Mercenaries, Kevin, are thugs that fight clandestine wars or topple governments for a handsome profit. These four guys were providing security for American contractors that are busily rebuilding the infrastructure of Iraq. To call them mercenaries suggests that we shouldn't feel sorry for them, or that they kinda deserved what they got. They... were three ex-Navy Seals and one ex-Army Ranger, in country no doubt because the security gig paid well beyond your wildest dreams.

Whether they were wearing the patches of the 82nd Airborne, or working for some private security firm, they knew the inherent risks, they were brave beyond belief, and they did not deserve to be dissected on cable television like some crayfish in a high school biology lab. Kevin's ill-advised comments this morning suggested that he had no compassion for them at all, and to be perfectly frank, I'm getting tired of getting out of bed every day only to hear some insensitive oaf repeat the consensus that was arrived at right before the 2 am last call for alcohol at Grotto Pizza.

Some brave men were incinerated, mutilated, and then carted around like trophies of the truely depraved; and Kev summarily dismisses them as having been "mercenaries." I honestly feel that his off-base assessment of their involvement in Iraq and their motivations for being there provides a glimpse of what he really thinks of our soldiers efforts in Iraq. I doubt that he could ever honestly respect anyone who literally put their life on the line in defense of this country, or those that had the balls to enter a war zone for whatever purpose.

Mercenaries? I wish one of their wives could contact Kev tomorrow morning while on the air. The back-pedaling would be record-setting among local radio talk show hosts, past and present.

Four Americans were burned to death yesterday, beaten afterwards, and then hung from the highest perch. F**k em! They were Rambos. Right Kev?

The all too necessary programming changes at WILK are being eagerly awaited. If only Nancy knew.

If you've ever heard the Rush parody mentioned in this story, you'll quickly realize just how funny this truely is. From NewsMax.com again:

Wednesday, March 31, 2004 11:15 p.m. EST

Gore Turns 'O'Franken Factor' Into 'The Tom Daschle Show'

In Rush Limbaugh's liberal radio network parody "The Tom Daschle Show," the Senate minority leader-turned-temporary radio host is frustrated when his only caller turns out to be none other than former Vice President Al Gore.

On Wednesday, Limbaugh's radio parody seemed to come to life with the debut of "The O'Franken Factor" on the brand new liberal radio network, Air America.

Despite a stellar guest list that included 9/11 Commissioner Bob Kerrey and radical filmmaker Michael Moore, callers for Franken and co-host Katherine Lanpher were few and far between. And when the board did light up near the end of the broadcast, it was Al Gore on the line.

"We have a call," a relieved-sounding Franken announced.

Lanpher quickly corrected him, declaring: "We have more than just a caller. Former Vice President Al Gore joins us from Nashville, Tennessee. Hello, Vice President."

Franken and Lanpher coaxed Moore into apologizing to the former Veep for supporting Ralph Nader in the last presidential election, prompting Moore to confess:

"I am extremely regretful for what happened in the Supreme Court. We would have been better off if you had been in the White House the last four years."

Moore promised it wouldn't happen again, telling Gore, "All of us who were involved in the Nader thing in 2000 are committed to removing Bush from office."

"And Mr. Gore, we're all going to throw a big party for you." he added.

Get this. No, that's, no grandkids this weekend. What will I do with myself? No matter what I end up doing, I'll miss my grandkids. I can't stand one weekend without them. Maybe I'll eventually relocate to Pottsville. Yuengling. Hmmm.