7-6-2004 The Great Pittston Fireworks Debacle of '04 or: How I learned to benefit myself at everyone else's expense

I am pleased to announce that with your help, the next vice president of the United States of America will be Sen. John Edwards of North Carolina.--John Kerry, after announcing his veep pick.

God for-funking-bid! The John/John ticket. A fuddy duddy billionaire and a personal injury ambulance chaser, a multi-millionaire trying to pass themselves off as the champions of the middle class.

I'm surprised by his pick. Sure, Edwards is youthful looking, somewhat charismatic, very photogenic, and a very eloquent speaker. But his trademark message, his vapid "Two Americas" gambit, is the same old class envy bullspit that's been regurgitated to death by the Dems for decades now. Basically, there' nothing new there.

Edwards couldn't carry the South during the primary season against one of those Tax-and-spendachusetts Yankees, i.e., John Kerry. He barely won his home state of North Carolina. His appeal in the still in play battleground states is next to nil. Being a personal injury lawyer who cashed in by using junk science won't win him many converts once he faces some closer scrutiny from the press and his political opponents. Granted, he commands a core constituency of women that probably smoked a pack of Camel Ultra Lites a day throughout their failed pregnancies, but it's a very small constituency. But he is more pleasant to look at and listen to, so I'm happy he's joined the fray. "Bush (insert accusation)" will be much easier to take coming from Boy Wonder than it ever could be coming from Uncle Fester's butler's former stunt double.

Listening to Kerry droning on for more than 30 seconds is downright painful. He's about as motivational as a monkey meat sandwich, and if he strings more than...say 25 words together, I find it difficult to figure out what the funk he just said. I don't think he knows what he just said half the time. His wife is a billionaire. Can't they hire some fourth-grader to write his speeches so they are at least somewhat coherent? All Bushisms aside, this guy would freaking starve to death inside of a week if he were ever forced to panhandle for his grub.

We've got to get to the heart of America. We've got to embrace what America once was and make her great once again. We've got to..."

Yeah, and we've got to cure cancer too. The question is: "How, Senator?"

We've got to do it smarter. We've got to do it better. We've got to...

Whatever. Clam! I'll vote for you! Just stop f**king speaking, please! Let the Dick Clark clone do the speaking from here on out. And you wanna know what? Barf and monkey meat are almost indistinguishable from each other.

The gigolo and the ambulance chaser. Now there's some supremely capable leadership in Michael Moore's parallel, anti-American universe. Can you say "dementia?"

And what of...

poor Hillary Clintonista? How the hell will she ever ascend to her rightful place and continue to shred what little that still remains of our "living, breathing" constitution?

Amerika can be achieved much, much faster by becoming a Czar rather than by being a lowly Senator from her now third home state. What a shameless political opportunist. A carpetbagger. Much like the long since AWOL, that's AWOL, Senator from Tax-and-spendachusetts currently sleep-walking his way towards November 2, 2004.

He made up a few yarns about atrocities in the rice paddies. He repeated them for everyone in the press that would have him. He and his Maoist buddies staged a few protests. He threw somebody's medals, or ribbons over a fence. He repeated his yarns in a book. And then after raising his profile as high as he could with all of this bullspit, he sought and gained a political office. Thirty years later, he thinks he's qualified to be the leader of the free world. Based on what? This guy can't even operate a fork-lift!

Although...if this guy knocks Bush off come November, it might be a blessing in disguise. It keeps Hillary away from the oval office for four more long years and then forces her to challenge an incumbent president from her own party in '08 if she still has designs on making this country the Soviet Annex. And she's not getting any younger. Hmmm. Will those hijacked FBI files come back into play afterall?

Sh*t! If need be, I'd fight and die for John Kerry, albeit reluctantly and somewhat begrudgingly. The only fighting I'd ever do as far as the Commie Queen is concerned would be as a member of the opposite camp. You know, the American camp.

I watched her royal smugness grin a wide grin and then make that clever crack about Dick Cheney's needing anger management classes on CSPAN the other night. That's cute and all, but her frequent F-bomb laced tirades during her White House years were well documented and then some. What was that communal claptrap about it taking a village to raise a child? Consider the source.

I've said all along that I registered Republican only because I want to vote in the primaries, and because the national Democrats scare the hell out of me for the most part. I want the best available candidates elected and that's it in a nut shell. If things break a certain way, I could end up being Kerry's biggest supporter four years from now as he staves off a possible challenge from Hillary and her flying monkeys. Then again, it might be Whomever vs. Hillary and her flying monkeys. Whomever? Anybody but Bush, is it? In my mostly fragmented world, it's Anybody but Hillary.

It was reported...

...on WILK today that the authorities have determined that the recent fireworks nightmare in Pittston was due to a malfunction with the pyrotechnics themselves. Duh! I hope nobody earned much overtime for that startling, breaking news.

What other possibiities were there, other than some kid tossing a fire cracker too close to the Butler Mine Tunnel and igniting seven cubic tons of methane gas?

During their show, Kevin and Nancy speculated about who should be sued if anyone feels the need to sue anyone else after the Great Pittston Fireworks Debacle of '04. Please tell me it won't ever come to that in this sue-happy country of ours. You don't suppose that John Edwards is on his way to Avoca right now, do you?

The municipality hires the pyrotechnic boys and then we all flock to watch the big holiday show. The pyrotechnics are kept well beyond our reach, but later on they are launched directly over our heads. And we all know that when we plant our lawn chairs beforehand. And we love it.

But a less than funny thing happened on the way to the Tomato Festival. Something went terribly wrong and some folks got banged up. Should they now be satisfied with having their mostly paltry medical expenses reimbursed, or should they ruin a good thing, a time-honored tradition, for all involved forever more after sitting with the likes of John Edwards?

I really hope the good folks on hand that fateful night are more than satisfied with some reimbursements from the city, a mug with the city's logo on it, and the mucho bragging rights involved. Because if they're not, "I was there" might apply to all of the past city-sponsored fireworks displays and not just the one that went horribly wrong.

Public fireworks displays should not go the way of the Dodo only because a greedy person or two wants to cash in on the liability insurance ATM machine. We shall see.

As for me, I'd be more than satisfied with having my minor medical costs covered, a pic with Mayor Lombardo, the city mug, a city key chain, a key to the city, two Pittston Fire Department shirts, a die-caste Pittston police car, the entire collection of the latest edition police cards, a rather hefty gift certificate from Wayne's World (that totally cool CD shop on the main drag), a parade of very short duration in my honor, the keys to the city council's private handball court, a date with one of those big tittie Tomato Festival girlies (and enough alcohol to make her somewhat conducive to most anything), and the right to say to all, wincing or not, "I was there, man!!! Wanna see the freakin' scar?"

Scars are too cool. Especially after they've healed completely.

So? Will someone attempt to break Pittston's bank? I sure hope not. That city has been making some real progress of late, and the last thing they need is a financial hit, and then being forced to consider cancelling what we've all come to expect on the 4th of July.

Namely, BANG!