11-14-2006 Muckegan fun in the Sun

Mohegan Sun at Pocono Downs opened it’s doors earlier today and officially became Pennsylvania’s very first casino. While this is being trumpeted as great news by politicos and the press alike, I’m still trying to figure out how it amounts to great news.

Well, those suits pretending to be the descendants of native Americans will all get filthy rich. That’s great news, I suppose. Um, Plains Township will be getting a couple of million dollars as a direct result, so at least the township commissioners will have some extra money to piss away. Wait, I got a good one. They tell me this will be a big bonanza for area hoteliers and that’s fair and all since they got unduly taxed to build the arena. Let’s see, oh, the Wyoming Valley Drug & Alcohol folks ought to see an influx of new business. And how ‘bout Gamblers Anonymous (if there is such an outfit)? They ought to get swamped with dummies who went and blew the mortgage payment on slots…again!

Just wait until they get the go-ahead to install gaming tables. It shouldn’t take too long since Ed Rendell is long overdue on his promise to provide relief from property taxes. Then the suicide rate ought to spike, so local funeral parlors will be busy buying those who foolishly buried themselves. Oh, and the local fire departments, too, as they fish suicidal types out of the Wyoming Valley‘s biggest toilet. The local cab companies might see an increase in business shuttling the tenants from the public housing projects off to the slaughter. I’m sure the cops will see an increase in “business,” as will the coroner’s office after yet another mortgage payment goes by the wayside and another enraged wifey gets to shooting another half-sober, sobbing hubby. Or vice versa. Then again, we might see an upsurge of slit wrists. Got me.

Once the thing becomes a full-blown casino, I imagine we’ll see a sharp upturn whereas sexually-transmitted diseases are concerned, so somebody is going to have to put some ultra pricey lotion or something on something gooey or sticky or drippy or some such grotesque thingy. And somebody should make a few bucks as a result. Forget the evil Republicans! How about when Grandma blows her social security check three months in a row and Price Chopper just happens to be offering five cans of Alpo for a mere buck? Polish burrito, anyone?

I dunno. I’m sure I’m missing some obvious benefit to the area, so be sure to fill me in by way of e-mail. But don’t ever expect to bump into me in such a place. I don’t seem to be able to make myself rich, so I sure as hell ain’t gonna make any phony Muckegan indians rich. I made Joe Nardone rich and I figure that’s enough.

Good luck, kiddies.

I guess the name recognition comes in handy as the elections draw near, but there does have to come that point when the obvious overkill causes the voters to believe you are a severely loose cannon or much worse.

Griffith said he’s concerned that votes cast after 7 p.m., an hour before polls in Pennsylvania are required to close, weren’t counted in the final tallies. Without substantial proof, Griffith believes there to be some form of foul play, either with the Bureau of Elections or the voting machine distributor Election Systems & Software Inc.

“Somebody needs to be held accountable for breaking the law,” Griffith said. “Somebody screwed up the program to say close the clocks at 7 o’clock. Was that a program problem with ESS or were they told to close the polls at 7 o’clock?”

As excerpted from:

Concerns over Election Day results

First of all, only Democrats are allowed to allege or suggest that elections are stolen, so let’s get our act together. Secondly, voting machine manufacturers only help Republicans to steal votes, so let’s not get silly. And thirdly, Christine Katsock got soundly drubbed, so give it up already, you maroon.

On that note, did anyone notice that by midday on election day, there were 16 links on The Drudge Report to stories of alleged voter fraud and intimidation leveled against Republicans by Democrats, but once the results started looking good, the Democrats gave us a collective ‘never mind.’ Liars all! Since the Dems were swept into power--all of a sudden--our system of voting is no longer broken beyond all repair. Lo and behold, Diebold is no longer aligned with the devils from the red states. That is, until the Dems lose control next time around. Then the effeminate hysterics will start all over again, I’m sure.

But back to the local freak show…

Somebody needs to be held accountable for breaking the law.

Okay, so where do we stand as of this moment? Is Len Piazza breaking the law, or did he just follow his diabolical orders? Walt, please advise us lowly commoners because it’s really getting difficult trying to keep up with all of your utter brilliance. Who broke the law, Walt? Who?

Is Piazza as bad as Leighton, or is Leighton in a class all his own? Is Piazza as corrupt as Vinsko, Frati, Kane and everyone else you’ve accused of wrongdoing without offering a shred of tangible proof, or is he but a novice as it pertains to lawbreaking and such?

Seriously, Walt. Nobody can spot corruption near as fast as you can, so fill us in. Is Piazza destined to be incarcerated after you get done with him, or are you just doing what you do best--flapping your overworked gums for maximum effect? I’d like to know.

Is everyone in this city corrupt? Well, that is to say, everyone except you and your fellow Republicans posing as concerned citizens? Is everyone dirty? Is that what you’re telling us? Excepting yourself, everyone and everything is scandal-prone? Is that the message you think will resonate with the voters a few months from now? Hi, I’m Walter, that overly accusatory guy…vote for me? If it breathes, it’s corrupt? Kill ‘em all, let Walt sort ‘em out?

If stupidity were a virtue…

Take the quiz. It really is small. Just for the record, it tells me I’m a centrist. Funny though, John McCain does nothing for me. Oh well.

World’s Smallest Political Quiz

Lemme know how you scored.

I ran across this link and it got me to thinking about a movie Frank Zappa once mentioned in a monologue caught on “Roxy & Elsewhere.

Here’ the link:

40 Things That Only Happen In Movies

Here’s that aforementioned monologue:

FZ: "Cheepnis." Let me tell you something, do you like monster movies? Anybody? I LOVE monster movies, I simply adore monster movies, and the cheaper they are, the better they are. And cheepnis in the case of a monster movie has nothing to do with the budget of the film, although it helps, but true cheepnis is exemplified by visible nylon strings attached to the jaw of a giant spider . . . I'll tell you, a good one that I saw one time, I think the name of the film was "IT CONQUERED THE WORLD," and the . . . Did you ever see that one? The monster looks sort of like an inverted ice-cream cone with teeth around the bottom. It looks like a (phew!), like a teepee or . . . sort of a rounded off pup-tent affair, and, uh, it's got fangs on the base of it, I don't know why but it's a very threatening sight, and then he's got a frown and, you know, ugly mouth and everything, and there's this one scene where the, uh, monster is coming out of a cave, see? There's always a scene where they come out of a cave, at least once, and the rest of the cast . . . it musta been made around the 1950's, the lapels are about like that wide, the ties are about that wide and about this short, and they always have a little revolver that they're gonna shoot the monster with, and there is always a girl who falls down and twists her ankle . . . heh-hey! Of course there is! You know how they are, the weaker sex and everything, twisting their ankle on behalf of the little ice-cream cone. Well in this particular scene, in this scene, folks, they, uh, they didn't wanna re-take it 'cause it musta been so good they wanted to keep it, but they . . . when the monster came out of the cave, just over on the left hand side of the screen you can see about this much two-by-four attached to the bottom of the Thing as the guy is pushing it out, and then obviously off-camera somebody's goin': "NO! GET IT BACK!" And they drag it back just a little bit as the guy is goin': "KCH! KCH!" Now that's cheepnis. Awright. And this is "Cheepnis" here. One two three four . . .

Anyway, I was up too late one night and too completely tired to get off of the couch, turn off the video advertising box and go to bed. So, the horrible movie I was barely watching ended and the USA Network (I think) tells me that next up is “It Conquered The World,” the movie from Zappa’s bit on “Roxy & Elsewhere.” I sat up and let out a rather booming “No way,” grabbed another beer and waited to see if I could really spot the legendary two-by-four.

The movie was awful, it was a B-movie cliché waiting to happen scene after scene, but I pressed on. Zappa had to have been mucking about, right? No self-respecting director or producer or editor would allow a two-by-four to be seen jutting out of the base of the giant Hollywood monster, would they?

Well, as it turned out…they would allow a two-by-four to be seen jutting out of the base of the giant Hollywood monster. And with that I got to hootin’ and hollerin’ at roughly 4 AM only to have my suddenly awakened and angry wifey yelling at me from the top of the steps.

What? Chicks, man! What freakin’ killjoys! What!?! I’m just drinking all night and yelling a little bit. What’s the big freaking deal, man? Jeez oh Pete! Here! Grab the scissors now. Emasculate me, you know you want to and so do your sisters!

I guess you didn’t need to know any of that, but now you do. Long story short, there’s an old black-and-white movie with a monster that has a two-by-four where it’s feet ought to be.

Hey, they can’t all be Gorts.

Those dastardly Republicans invented the “Culture of Corruption.” Well, that’s what the Democrats are spewing these days. And one of those Democrats in particular, John Murtha, can toss accusations with the best of ‘em.

And since the Pugnacious Two--Chia Kev and Nancy of WILK fame--keep offering him up as the ultimate pillar of honesty and virtue that he obviously isn’t, I figure we might want to refresh some memories.

Mr. Clean--John Murtha--is on the Defense Appropriations Subcommittee. His brother is a lobbyist for several companies that have done business with the government. In 2004, a $417 billion defense bill was passed that went through Mr. Clean's committee, and you can just guess what happened next. It turns out that bill benefited at least 10 companies represented by Mr. Clean's brother. At a minimum it is a violation of House ethics rules and at a maximum is outright political corruption. But Mr. Clean is no stranger to political corruption.

Remember the Abscam case? This was the 1980 corruption case where the FBI took down a U.S. Senator, 6 members of the House and the mayor of Camden, New Jersey, among others. Turns out, Mr. Clean made an appearance on that famous surveillance tape. When offered a $50,000 bribe, he said "I'm not interested...at this point." At this point? Perhaps he was going to be interested....just not yet. Somehow, the cleanly got a pass.

The Abscam video starring none other than Mr. Clean:

Enjoy, Chia Kev.

Part One:

Part Two:

From the e-mail inbox How to Be a Good Liberal

You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean Communists.

You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.

You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, Thomas Edison, and Alexander Graham Bell.

You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

You have to believe that conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

You have to believe that it's okay to give federal workers Christmas Day off but it's not okay to say "Merry Christmas."

You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast right wing conspiracy.

Tough to argue with any of that.

You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

Here! Here!

Don’t worry. Nancy Pelosi has a plan. And New Zealand is suddenly looking better and better to me. Bicycling on a volcano?

C’mon! Say it ain’t so.

The WILK/Bartuska Lounger