1-21-2007 You bleeping bleep…

I‘m being asked by a lot of people what names I’ve heard being bandied about as possible candidates for the upcoming election.

Unlike many others Web sites, this oasis is not, nor has it ever been known for repeating idle gossip and persistent rumors. I told you the downtown Wendy’s was closing in August and a local newspaper went and investigated. Both the manager and owner of that long-established retail concern denied, in print, that a closure was in the works. And then, just as I had forewarned, the store closed up shop in August when it’s lease expired.

I told you a high-ranking member of the Chamber said the prospects were “very good” that new retail concerns would be popping up early in 2007 as many “letters of interest” had been signed. And our Mayor was recently quoted as saying some of those empty storefronts will be filling up “by the Spring of 2007.” Simply put, rumors don’t cut it. Facts do.

According to the Election Bureau site, the first day to circulate petitions is February 13 and candidate packets will be available on the 1st of February. In other words, for the purposes of electioneering, we’ve still got some time to kill, but not much.

What have I heard? I’ve heard five names mentioned as possible Nord End council candidates, but only one has said as much in public. And until someone else steps forward and declares, I’m not divulging any names. That’s for them to do.

And then there’s this murmuring drumbeat about myself possibly jumping into the political fray. Skeletons in the closet? You bet your ass. Remember now, I was the unaccredited inventor of “Strip Volleyball.” I’ve tapped more kegs than your average bear. I curse too much. On most days, I think like a juvenile. Luckily, I rarely behave like one. But the biggest reason I would never aspire to such a prominent position is because I would get myself fired.

Unlike our current council members, there’s absolutely no way I’d sit there and flash a feigned smile while some loser calls me every name in the book. Nope, I’m not going to sit there and be repeatedly slandered by no Geico Caveman stunt double. I won’t tolerate the perpetually ranting activist who has exactly half of his facts right on his best of days. I’m going to lose my patience with people demanding that I waste scant financial resources on a broken firehouse that would be condemned in Kabul. My brain would shut down while having to listen to the short-term, myopic slop that the would-be leaders typically offer when it’s crystal clear that economic investment is the result of long-term planning. My temper would be beckoning me to release it while the taxpayer advocates with nothing better to do rail against every investment in the future as a needless expense. Nope, I’m simply too mercurial to have to suffer through the usual idiocy that is ranting and raving while armed with half the facts.

Why can’t we pave Conyngham Avenue, Mr. Cour! You freaking double-dipping good ole boy!

Son, if you don’t already know, why are you carrying on in public? Do your homework, boy, before you start shooting your mouth off. Double-dipper? I know you aren’t talking to me you bleeping bleep bleeper. You bleep. You want to bleeping take it outside, you bleep sucker? Huh? Huh?

Kwitcherfu>kinbelyacin!!! Smarten up!!! And buy a bar of soap already!!!

You wanna give me the gavel?

I’d likely make for some entertaining headlines, but I’d get fired right quick. Picture yourself reading the news accounts of a council meeting and letting out with “He said what?!? Holy frig!“ As I’ve alluded to many, many times before, I’m not a big fan of abject idiocy. And since our city council meetings generally attract the very best of the idiotic, I’d prefer to work elsewhere.

But thanks for asking.

Coming soon: Why I’d get fired if I were a cop.

From the e-mail inbox Hi Mark,

It is time to renew this battle. Now that Congressman Chris Carney has jumped on the inflatable dam project, henceforth known to me as the FECAL FARCE we have to realize that this isn't going to go away.

Joe Leonardi

Yeah, Carney’s comments did not go unnoticed by the debatable dam’s many opponents. And what’s this reference to Kanjorski’s “…leadership on this issue,” as Carney put it? Leadership? If the dam was such an unmistakably magnificent proposal, why has it taken so damn long to get the required permits and what have you? If it’s such an exceptionally brilliant idea, why can’t Paul Kanjorski get it done?

In my denuded mind, the new guy, Carney, is just playing along with the veteran to get along. And just wait until he starts speaking out on some major environmental issue at some future point. Then we’ll just have to remind him that he supported damming undeniably the most environmentally-challenged stretch of a river that spans 444 miles.

He’s building his congressional track record, and going about it all wrong.

So, Hillary Clinton has finally invited “that vast right-wing conspiracy” to rear it’s ugly head all over again. This is going to be a good one to watch. This lady has more political and personal baggage than a convoy of fully-loaded Martz buses. The 60’s radical feminist adroitly turned career centrist. The socialist ideologue turned cautious Senator. She votes on strictly partisan lines and then talks out of the bipartisan side of her mouth as the next election nears.

In her radicalized mind, “It takes a village.”

See commune, communism, socialism, Marxism, or cultism. Try Jim Jones or Charles Manson. Think aging 60’s holdovers. Real MoveOn.org, or Green Party lunacy. Forced income redistribution in a super nanny-state. Failed every time it’s been tried.

If I was hoping to be the biggest political dog of them all, I wouldn’t want to be saddled with her track record. I say she can’t win. What do you say?

Queen Hillary?

Or President To Be Announced?

From the e-mail inbox Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

I think that should be taught in our high schools.

I have to cut this internet gibberish short today. You know, NFL championship games.

But let me ask you this. Would you vote for someone who had the following to say to me?

“In reading some of your material I see that we have a lot in common.”